Detachment and the end of limbo, sort of...too

[Phoebe]

Thank you Sotto, and Blu, and Painter for checking in on me. It was surreal, and now, in a stranger twist, I've exchanged a couple emails with the process server. It's a strange world. I just had to let him know that he knows my father. They had a good mutual friend for a lot of years who passed recently.

Today, if anything, has been harder that yesterday. I am deeply down and had a prolonged waterworks session reflecting that this morning, and now it is happening again. I haven't cried more than a couple minutes in weeks, but I guess the stars are aligned today for a show of emotion.

I'm still not sure I can adequately sort out this current rollercoaster dip, but WH being in my driveway and acting like a police officer with the way he aggressively drove around me and blocked me in the driveway feels incredibly cold and deeply unsettling.

I don't know that it's better or worse to have continued interaction with one's spouse, but this feeling of being at war with someone I spent my whole adult life trusting and loving, yet have had no communication with now in months, is beyond comprehension for me. I kept my cool for months after the disappearing act, got angry exactly one time, and that was the very last time he talked to me. After that, he didn't even have enough respect for me to tell me he was filing for divorce? After all the bullsh1t about how he wanted this to be collaborative if we ended up going this route... Now he's acting like I'm someone who is an enemy. He schemed to get me "caught," blocking me in my own driveway, skulking around in a rental car, spying at my parents' house to see when I showed up there, and never even saying hello or looking at me? Yet more behavior that I can't wrap my head around.

I guess I had hoped that I'd be getting past the stage where contact with him messes me up, but that hasn't played out at all. It's not as big a drop on the roller coaster as the early ones, but it was still precipitated by WH, and I don't like that I still grant him that much power.

I've just spent my day so far putzing around, reworking my little chicken pen to make it bigger and keep them confined a bit better. I must be an official farmer now; I built the pen out of two pallets, a wheelbarrow, a wagon, a long length of 4' hardware cloth, and BALING TWINE. That last bit is the key.

I talked to my Mom midway through this post, and she helped cheer me up a bit. You can probably sense where the transition is. At least the human fountain shut off for a while.

L-friend is almost an anti-WH in so many ways, many of them good ways, but communication was where my marriage failed and I don't think that I can tolerate the closed door communication method. I have never tried to be in any kind of R, no matter how tentative and not even just a friendship, where either person carried along so much emotional baggage. It kind of svcks, but I feel like I am going to have my bags along on the trip for the rest of my life. It was so much easier 26 years ago when the previous relationships were just high school stuff, not based on decades of experience. I don't want to be young again, but I would love to be that unencumbered again.

Ah well, if wishes were horses...

So, I guess I'm going to go see L-friend, though I'm not certain that I really am enthusiastic about it. I'm still down and could care less about the idea of eating dinner.