May Divorce Be With You

[Zues126]

Yes, I buried myself in my work, and in my competition. My M was horrible, I coped the best I could.

Is divorce really a failure? Is that a healthy attitude? People who are not married break up after LTR - nobody brands them as 'failures'? Isn't it healthier to say divorce is just something that happens, you did the best with what you knew at the time, noone is to blame, and the best is just learn from it and grow.

Here's the thing. People can say whatever they want. But reality is reality.

Everyone has a personal narrative. My XW can say that she needed to get D for her survival. People can say that children are resilient. I can say that divorce is a catalyst for personal growth.

That doesn't change the facts. The fact is that XW chose to get divorced, that my children are impacted forever, and that D is the most monumental loss I'll ever face.

One of my main points of my last post was that we can't simply decide in our heads how we want things to be. That's crazy. They are how they are. If something hurts, we can't just hit the bong and say "I'm a positive guy, so I'll just look at it in a positive light, and now it's all groovey maaaan..." Well, we can, but as long as we avoid the reality of our situation and our emotions we will be suppressing a lot, dissociated, reacting to stuff we don't understand, seem super sensitive and a bit crazy to those around us because they don't see the same delusions we are trying to buy into.

Everyone does this a bit now and then, but at least be aware of it. WAS's rewrite history. LBS's diagnose their WAS's. Trust me, read a few hundred threads and you'll start to see the patterns in the way the LBS's react to their partner's leaving them. They feel the same feelings, think the same thoughts, and latch on to the same narratives and stories. So what I'm trying to tell you is not to be too sure of yourself or your conclusions. The most sane thing you can do is realize you're emotional and crazy, and not act on your emotions, your thoughts (reactions/rationalizations), etc. That is why I said it was like driving drunk, and why other people are preaching a 48 hour rule and avoiding major life decisions. It's a good time to keep your mouth shut, do nothing, journal, observe the patterns of others, watch yourself spin through a few cycles of your own craziness, and see where you are in 90 days. If I'm wrong and your feelings, thoughts, and beliefs are absolutely consistent, then hey, you didn't get laid for two months you could've been banging some skank. But if I'm right, you might avoid crashing your car (your life).

PS- I'm not advising you to "hold onto hope" for your M. I just don't think your next few months should look any different whether you do or don't long for R.