Surfer, you make very valid points, and I would like to state that at no point in sharing my stories do I ever wish to deflect my own responsibility for making mistakes in my marriage, or give the impression I think everything is H's fault. That wouldn't be realistic. Though I was never the one who made the choice to cheat or abandon the family, there are definitely things I wish I had done differently or handled in another way. That said, though I realize there are two sides to every story and his is just as valid as mine, I can only offer my own perceptions as how I saw them from my point of view. I hope my comments can be taken in that spirit.
I do agree that most troubled marriages reach a point when you could probably breathe in front of the other and somehow do it wrong. In my own situation, there was definitely some of that at play.
One of my colleagues works in domestic violence prevention and makes the point that we often want to blame someone for being the bad guy when a toxic relationship develops, but the reality is that most of these occur because of situational factors. I.e., it's a bad barrel (match of partners) rather than a bad apple (individual). That really resonates with me. I very much disagree with the way my H chose to step out of the marriage to deal with his unhappiness. Even more, I disagree with the idea that personal happiness trumps the good of the family overall, and that family is disposable. But those are my personal morals and values and they are not shared by everyone. Nor do I assume the right to judge my H or anyone else for feeling differently. But I know I can't have a healthy relationship with anyone who doesn't feel the same level of commitment to family as I do.
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Cherry, is your H controlling overall? That is such a hard situation to be in, especially when you're pregnant. I can remember being nine months pregnant and hugely miserable, but trying desperately to clean the house and keep him happy because I was worried he was going to leave again (he left anyway). Those are the situations you really just can't win at, so you just have to do your best and let it go.
