You did a relationship inventory using the tools that you already have. Probably not a fair assessment in the grand scheme of relationships...
Originally Posted By: qt4x11
I've only really had two really multi year LTRs - my wife and then the LTR I had in my 20s. Both relationships fizzled because I 'mentally check out' - not being abusive, not being mean, just generally spending more and more time alone working on my own hobbies - the music, the side business.
How much have you learned about the differences between being an introvert, and being an extrovert in styles of communication ?
Styles of life ?
Originally Posted By: qt4x11
The weed didn't help
Don't blame the weed, it didn't make those choices, you did...
Originally Posted By: qt4x11
although my former girlfriend didn't think anything of it. And then me being very defensive when asked to sacrifice my 'alone time'
You don't know that it didn't affect her.
That's the thing...we never know how our actions affect another person.
Typically, we interject how we want them to feel, or how we want them to react, and then that our assumptions are correct and develop behavioral patterns accordingly....
Fair ? Hardly.....
Originally Posted By: qt4x11
justifying it by saying that I spend so much time working I need to 'recharge' - pushing back when asked to go to social functions and activities that would take away from my alone time.
How effective were you in communicating that ?
How DID you communicate that ?
Originally Posted By: qt4x11
Feeling complacent in the relationship, but not wanting to leave because I am comfortable if not totally happy. I think at some point I stopped feeling part of a 'partnership' and become very selfish with my time attention and emotions. I think my ex took this very hard, as a rejection of sorts on my part.
If the situation was reversed, then I am sure that you would feel the same way.
Emotional abandonment is a form of abuse....
Originally Posted By: qt
What I want in the future is to grow. Find a way to become a more balanced person with better communication skills and empathy - all without sacrificing time to work on my personal projects, which I really appreciate now that I'm alone. I also want to be more social, put more of a priority on other people instead of myself. Also now that I'm a single father I have to really pay close attention to how I'm handling myself in that regard.
So what is your plan to get there ???
From what I have read, you seem to REACT emotionally in most situations. You did it with her, and you did it the other day.
Stop thinking that everyone is planning your doom.
Thinking is what got you here...
I would also suggest that you narrow down the things that you want to work on, and really focus on the specific areas that you want to change.
Too much at once will leave you just touching the surface, and really never change specific patterns of behavior.
A WAS can smell fake, like Oprah can smell a Twinkie at a picnic..
Change for YOU, not to get her back...
Get back to DB101...
Goals GAL Don't go down cheeseless tunnels Act as if 48 hour rule
And please stop thinking that you have no choice in this.
You made most of your choices already. Her filing, is simply a reaction to her choices, amongst some other things.
And please stop thinking that, even though the legal process MAY be followed through...
That you cannot have a relationship with your spouse in the future...
However, everything MUST be different when that happens.
