cheesyt 2

[sandi2]

Hi cheesyt, I haven't had a chance to read your threads, however, I have seen some of your posts. I wanted to respond to something you said on JRuss thread. It just pulled at my heart.

it's hard for me to wrap my head around how being physically separated & going dark (which all feels opposite of being "close" with W) will or can lead to Reconciliation. I'm doing it because I somehow trust this, but when W and I were "friends" after S I felt closer than I do now. (cake eating business for her of course!) Now, today, I feel a billion miles away

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It really is being the opposite of what feels right and logical to you. If you have a W who is wayward, you have someone who does not operate logically. Everything that may have worked in the past to bring you closer together.........seems to backfire now. She does not desire a relationship with you further than friendship.

I bet while she was enjoying hanging out like a couple of girls, you were thinking of how it may lead the R back to where it once was. WW's abuse "friendships" with their LBS! For the WW, it's merely an opportunity to cake eat. The LBS can show a friend-ly persona when interacting with her........but I would not encourage trying to have a friend-ship while she is wayward minded. That's just my personal opinion.

The WW desires something that resembles a complete fantasy. She is looking through unrealistic glasses. Usually, the WW sees the LBS being a stumbling block to her "true" happiness. Therefore, she wants to feel free of the LBS and the MR. The more the LBS tries to be closer, the more the WW will feel she has to prove that the M is over. A lot of bad behavior toward the LBS, is the WW's attempts to discourage their spouse in having a future together.

The crazy thing about WW's are when they are faced with the reality that has come from their wayward choices.........they don't like it. And losing their S's availability, interest, etc., is something most WW's never believe is going to really happen. I mean, in her mindset, it is okay for her to find someone else......act like girls gone wild.......break your heart......and whatever else she needs to do to find her happiness. But.....in the back of her mind, she just always thought of you being safely waiting on a shelf, in case she wanted a friendly ear, or someone to hug her.........whatever. Not wanting you as a spouse.....but as her friend, who is so devoted and could never move on and be happy without her. Are you getting what I am saying? No matter what she may have told you, she wants you to put your life on hold, while she is finding what makes her happy.

Sure, it felt good to you when hanging out as a couple of good friends. B/c you love her, and your emotions are begging for her positive responses. She could be nice for a few hours.......as long as you understood it was strictly as "friends". The minute you try to ease over the "friends only" line.......is the minute you see her resisting and treating you poorly.

So, removing yourself from her life (as much as possible), will give her a realistic view of her life without you. Even though I have not read your story, I will venture to say that the dynamics has been that she has been the one walking away from the relationship.........and you have lost her. However, it's when you start behaving happily in your life that does not include her, that really hits her heart. . She'll try hard not to show it. She may even say you deserve to be happy, etc. in her heart, she knows t he dynamics have switched, and she has lost you!

The LBS is afraid to drop the rope that hold to the WW. The LBS wants to pursue and show the WS that their relationship can work again. It is not going to happen if you go that route. She has to have physical space away from you. She has to experience the loss of you. No assistance, no help, no bailing out, no rescuing, no emotional support, (I know this sounds terrible), but she has to experience reality instead of living in a fantasy. You can't control her life, but you can control your part.

In order to accomplish this, you may have a picture of yourself needing to act cold, mean-spirited, angry, etc. That's not the way. If you acted that way.......why would she want you back, right? You can have a happy & confident persona when your path crosses with hers. But at the same time, you act as if you have more important things on your mind.....other than her. When married, she is your #1 priority, but now......well, she has lost that #1 place position in your life. That is what she will sense.......and that is what will cause her to get curious/interested in what's going on with you.

I could talk all day about it, but I will stop here. It is a process, and it will feel totally off to you. The WW has to see what she has lost as a consequence to her own decision. Don't think so much about how you feel right now. Think about the wonderful things you can do for two weeks. Get that calendar and start filling in GAL....people, places, and fun things to do......that does not include old reminders of your W. Oh........I said I would stop, didn't I?