We have been married 7 years with a 4 year old child. We work opposite shifts and it’s taken a toll on us. We’ve had our up and downs. I’m guilty of neglecting my wife and giving her mixed signals about our marriage. I probably needed to man up and wear the pants in the relationship. 6 months ago we had a big verbal argument. It was a turning point, we both withdrew a little.
I recently confronted my wife; I suspected she was having an emotional or physical affair with a co-worker. I found flirty texts and a hotel charge that can’t be explained. I also discovered she called into night shift work and went to a movie with someone. She stayed the night out and said she slept in her car alone. She swears there is no affair going on. I didn’t press her further, sometime you want to believe the lie.
In the next breath she wanted to talk about a difference topic. D-Day, she’s not happy and wants a divorce. She said she loves me but is no longer in love with me. She likes the family time together but no longer wants to be married. She did take the opportunity to remind me off all my past wrongs. At this point I feel bad almost forgetting about the alleged affair. Not thinking clearly I almost agree to the divorce.
My wife has a vision of our divorce which I will explain. She wants a very slow and civil divorce. She doesn’t want anyone to know. She keeps the house and I move out to a new house or apartment. Since we work opposite shifts (her nights, me days). I will come home to the family house on the nights she works and we will have diner as a family. She will go to work and I will stay over and watch our child. We will have one day a week (Sunday?) for family activities. We will continue to go on family vacations and spend holidays together. She encourages me to start dating and she would welcome future GF’s into the family. Maybe her hearts in the right place but this sounds nuts.
The first week was hell. But I got my two feet on the ground and have communicated to her I don’t want a divorce and will do anything it takes to make the marriage work. This talk frustrates her, maybe she is hoping I back down. I’ve started to see a marriage counselor to keep me on track. I wish my wife would go but some people are so against theraphy.
Although I want to make this work I also consulted with an attorney to know my rights. My state has 50/50 property split and leaning towards 50/50 time sharing parenting. She has done no research into divorce. Although she has a good job the divorce cost will drain our savings. She would have to refinance house if she wants to keep it. 90% of the time one person can't carry the mortgage and they are forced to sell the house, tearing apart the family home.
The first thing the therapist asked me to do was tell my wife what I want (no divorce), be consistent and don’t back down. The second thing was to ask her to switch to day shift. I’ve done both. The therapists told me don’t bring up the affair.
I finished reading the 5 languages of love and now know my wife’s two languages; receiving gifts and acts of service. I bought the Divorce Busting Book and will start that next.
I reached out to family and friends for consul. I’ve continued my regular work schedule. I started exercising. I’m going out more and living life. I’m trying new things. Overall I’m holding up good. I’m sleeping well at night. An occasional headache from researching divorce and relationships online. Maybe over-thinking in that regards. Am I in denial?
My wife has withdrawn. She looks depressed. She is having problems sleeping. She has shut out most of her friends. She is having problems at work. Could she have ended the affair and be going thru withdrawal? Or just guilty for dumping me? Depression?
I plan to stay the course for at least the year. Reaching out to my wife. Trying to make her happy. It sounds like time is on my side but she can be real stubborn and not one to back down. Am I wasting my time? I still love my wife and I don’t want a divorce to tear the family apart.
I just can’t figure out why she won’t admit to the affair? And if she wants a divorce why not just file? It sounds like she wants me to file.
One last piece of information, my wife grew up in an Asian country were divorce is looked down upon and “saving face” is very important. I still don't understand this "saving face" thing..
