I feel hopeful at times, too; then get set back when The Cold Front blows in, realize I'm not close to detached, and, well,
So, you base whether or not to feel hopeful upon your W's warmth/coldness? I think many LBH'S probably do. Just like you decide if something works......based on positive feedback. Sounds logical, right? The only problem is....if you have a wayward W....you could feel completely hopeless watching her actions from day to day as some type of arrow pointing to "working" or "not working". Although the above quote came from JRuss, I am speaking to you who have been posting about this subject.
If you have a WW, things will probably get worse before getting better. Why? Well first of all, you cannot nice her back......and I think that's what you want to do. That is what you have always done to keep the relationship bearable. And here's another shocker. Have you ever been in a check out line at a store and looking at the magazine covers, or maybe you've been waiting in a doctor's office and flipping through magazines? There are a lot of short articles that are supposingly giving techniques that are known for having a happier, closer, sexier, or whatever kind of MR. If the MR wasn't in crisis, a person might be able to use those bubble gum techniques. However, by the time a person finds their way to the board.....their MR is in crisis. If she has developed a wayward mindset, then she will not respect your "good ole boy" nice-guy approach. And, a H who says they don't believe their W is wayward b/c he has seen no evidence of an A? And the H who wants to take all the blame for her behavior? And the H who starts doing everything he can.....so she doesn't have to? He's a H who is wearing blinders. He is trying to convince himself that he is the problem. That if he can "prove" how much he loves her, it will change her mind about wanting out of the M.
The H could have contributed to the relationship breaking down, but once she drops the bomb, he needs a solid plan of action. Yes, he needs to search himself and see where he needs to make personal improvements to be a better man.........however, if he has the mindset that she will reward his efforts in a sweet, warm, loving response.........he will risk high disappointment and his "hope" could struggle to hang in there. If he has a WW, there will realistically be one of, at least, three responses from her. 1) she recognizes his changes but....... it's too little, too late; 2) she's angry that he waited till she was done; 3) she sees it as a gimmick to win her back.
When a W is wayward, she does not care about the MR. She is not interested in seeing what a terrific H you can be now. She doesn't want you trying to show her how great things could be if she would give it another chance. I believe the mindset of the WW is what you can't wrap around your brain. You won't accept that your efforts in showing her how hard you are trying to be a better H isn't working. Then, your hopes fade and you start wondering if it's time to throw in the towel.
Don't throw in the towel yet. Just change your mindset. Stop watching her and measuring your efforts on her feedback. When you change your point of view, you will not be hanging onto every little word & act from her.
A lot of H's on the board have the nice guy syndrome. Some of the H's are very proud of it. However, one of the biggest problems with the NG syndrome is his passivity. He wants to nice his WW back, and he doesn't want to toughen up. He wants nothing to do with a plan that would require him to operate outside his comfort zone. Therefore, he makes excuses for his W's wayward behavior.......and excuses for his passive-aggressive behavior.
The WW does not respect her passive H. She will manipulate and bully him. So, if he should decide what he's doing isn't working.....I suggest the he develops a plan of action, and have his focus on respect. Nothing he does will help his MR if his W does not respect him.
You newcomers are looking at the W's response. If it's good, then you are happy and call it "progress". If her response is not good, you are down and call it a "setback". Can't you see how you are riding a roller coaster that doesn't stop? Can't you see that you will not pull her out of her wayward mindset by continuing to play the passive good ole boy? She will never desire you, if she doesn't respect you.
I am not telling you to be a bad man. I am not telling you to mistreat her. I am telling you that your passive, nice-guy behavior does not work on a WW.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
