Scant, I've decided I'm going to wait out the two year separation that the law here requires for a non-consensual divorce. It's just a form you fill in and send off at that point. We don't have children, or any property to sort out, so it'll be fairly straight forward. No need for lawyers, mediation etc. etc. No need even to be in the same room at any point.
We're almost at the year mark now, and a lot has happened/changed in that time (mainly with respect to myself, and mainly concerning my own personal growth. My H? I've no idea where he's at).
Anyway, another year on top of that? That's *quite* a long time, and I'm hoping that I do a lot more growing and learning during that time.
That's my plan anyway. Well, that's my plan *for now* anyway. We all know how things can change at the drop of a hat here, and life stuff can happen (whether good or bad).
Guess my point is that I'm not doing anything regarding M or D at the moment. I'm really just focussing on myself, and going through some pretty major processes and transformations, and doing it all as slowly and mindfully as I can. I like being very cognisant of what I'm going through, so that I feel I'm really absorbing the lessons of what I'm learning and so standing on very solid ground.
I now know and feel that this solid ground is mine and within me, and that nobody can ever take this away from me. This is pretty much the first time that I've ever felt like this in my life (because of circumstances I grew up in). And I'm liking it. And I'm liking the person that's emerging from this as well. There's a steeliness there that I like, a rock solid core of self worth, and one of self belief too.
Course, it helps that I lost sh*t loads of weight at the start of all of this, and that I'm still losing a bit of weight as well.
Once this temporary job that I'm doing is finished, I want to go back to the gym to get fitter (I really don't have time at the moment, am working 9.00-5.00pm in the office, and then evenings/weekends in other places/on other work). I'm not unfit for my age, I'd just like to be much fitter.
My style has changed too, and it feels more like I'm inhabiting my own style than ever before.
I was out GALing with some work colleagues last week, and one person that I've been working quite closely with was very shocked to find out I was quite a bit older than her. She thought we were the same age, or I was only a few years older than her (she's 30).
I guess my point is really that what started off as an essentially exterior transformation has become so much more than just a merely superficial transformation. It's become something much deeper and much, much more profound. What's happened on the surface is only the tiniest part of what's happened below.
At the core of it all is that I don't feel afraid any more. I don't know if this is just talk at the moment, as there haven't really been any situations in which it's been tested (by which I mean situations with my H in which it's been tested).
Anyway, my temporary job is going really great. It's very full on and I'm learning lots. It's proving excellent for my self esteem as well as being great for my CV. I was offered (and accepted) a two week extension. So it's running to mid September now.
I have major work happening at home next week (builders in). That's pushed me forward some more in the clearing up/clearing out of things.
Unfortunately I came across some more of H's stuff, so will have to arrange to get that back to him at some point. I've set that aside for now.
But I'm beginning to see the results of all my hard work clearing things out and reorganising whats left. I don't know how many bags of clothes I've taken to the charity shop so far. Maybe for or five large bin bags? I don't drive and walk to the charity shop, so I'm taking them in small poly bags, two or three at a time. More to take today.
