Living

[focus22]

Ah man...missed half my post out in the update above. Where on earth has the edit button gone?

Anyway, it should have read like this:

Guys, I would welcome your thoughts on this.

We're coming up to a year since H walked out/ran away.

Very, very minimal contact since then.

After the initial 'is there anything you want to talk to me about yet' one he sent about a month after he left there have only been a couple of texts (to ask for specific things he needed).

The only time I've seen him was at the industry event we both went to a couple of months ago. No chat or even saying hello there.

I believe the A is in full force.

So we're coming up to a year since he left. Why no mention of D from him? Why is he still paying the mortgage (the house is entirely mine legally)?

I know it's mind reading to try and guess, and I try and stop myself as much as I can from doing that. But I'm honestly completely mystified. What on earth is going on?

[Scrant]

Focus, I think you are doing really well so far. You and I are on a similar timescale. I don't know what is going on in my W's mind either but I think the important thing is to control what you can. Are you in a hurry for a divorce? If not just keep working on what you can. It sounds like your H might be feeling a little guilty. Good he should be so don't worry about him until you have to and keep on making a good life for you.

[focus22]

Scant, I've decided I'm going to wait out the two year separation that the law here requires for a non-consensual divorce. It's just a form you fill in and send off at that point. We don't have children, or any property to sort out, so it'll be fairly straight forward. No need for lawyers, mediation etc. etc. No need even to be in the same room at any point.

We're almost at the year mark now, and a lot has happened/changed in that time (mainly with respect to myself, and mainly concerning my own personal growth. My H? I've no idea where he's at).

Anyway, another year on top of that? That's *quite* a long time, and I'm hoping that I do a lot more growing and learning during that time.

That's my plan anyway. Well, that's my plan *for now* anyway. We all know how things can change at the drop of a hat here, and life stuff can happen (whether good or bad).

Guess my point is that I'm not doing anything regarding M or D at the moment. I'm really just focussing on myself, and going through some pretty major processes and transformations, and doing it all as slowly and mindfully as I can. I like being very cognisant of what I'm going through, so that I feel I'm really absorbing the lessons of what I'm learning and so standing on very solid ground.

I now know and feel that this solid ground is mine and within me, and that nobody can ever take this away from me. This is pretty much the first time that I've ever felt like this in my life (because of circumstances I grew up in). And I'm liking it. And I'm liking the person that's emerging from this as well. There's a steeliness there that I like, a rock solid core of self worth, and one of self belief too.

Course, it helps that I lost sh*t loads of weight at the start of all of this, and that I'm still losing a bit of weight as well.

Once this temporary job that I'm doing is finished, I want to go back to the gym to get fitter (I really don't have time at the moment, am working 9.00-5.00pm in the office, and then evenings/weekends in other places/on other work). I'm not unfit for my age, I'd just like to be much fitter.

My style has changed too, and it feels more like I'm inhabiting my own style than ever before.

I was out GALing with some work colleagues last week, and one person that I've been working quite closely with was very shocked to find out I was quite a bit older than her. She thought we were the same age, or I was only a few years older than her (she's 30).

I guess my point is really that what started off as an essentially exterior transformation has become so much more than just a merely superficial transformation. It's become something much deeper and much, much more profound. What's happened on the surface is only the tiniest part of what's happened below.

At the core of it all is that I don't feel afraid any more. I don't know if this is just talk at the moment, as there haven't really been any situations in which it's been tested (by which I mean situations with my H in which it's been tested).

Anyway, my temporary job is going really great. It's very full on and I'm learning lots. It's proving excellent for my self esteem as well as being great for my CV. I was offered (and accepted) a two week extension. So it's running to mid September now.

I have major work happening at home next week (builders in). That's pushed me forward some more in the clearing up/clearing out of things.

Unfortunately I came across some more of H's stuff, so will have to arrange to get that back to him at some point. I've set that aside for now.

But I'm beginning to see the results of all my hard work clearing things out and reorganising whats left. I don't know how many bags of clothes I've taken to the charity shop so far. Maybe for or five large bin bags? I don't drive and walk to the charity shop, so I'm taking them in small poly bags, two or three at a time. More to take today.

Onwards. One step at a time if necessary.

[focus22]

Short update from me:

Major work on the house completed (boiler moved and replaced. Old water tank removed). Three days of workmen in my house.

I can now start with the moving things back and carrying on with the big sorting out.

My temp job is going really well. It's been fantastic for my self esteem. I have just over two weeks left now.

It's been nice to earn a little money too, so I treated myself to some end of sale bargains (clothes and shoes). Also bought some new lipsticks.

I'm feeling really good at the moment. I have lots to fill my life and time with, including some very lovely friends and people I have become close to since October. I'm not missing WH/STBXH at all now.

The M? The closeness we had? The things we shared over the years? Yeah, I guess I still miss all of those things. But the M is gone now, as he is gone. And I wouldn't even know who he is now...a stranger as far as I can see.

The only difficult thing I had to deal with last week was that I'm still running into people who have no idea what's happened. So they ask me how I am, what I've been up to and what H has been up to.

And I tell them in the most neutral way possible that we've separated, whilst at the same time acknowledging that it was his decision and not mine ('he decided that he wanted to do his own thing').

And then I talk about a few of the things I've done with my life since in a very positive and passionate way, so that they go away with the impression that I'm moving forward with my own life.

It's not hard to do, I'm genuinely grateful for the people I've met, the opportunities I've had and what I've done, so it's easy to be positive and passionate about them all. I just have to try and tap into that side of myself when I'm in that particular situation.

[focus22]

Short update from me...

H's post is still coming to my house. I just pile it up near the front door. He's not messaged me asking for it, and I've not told him there's anything.

I'm guessing it's his responsibility? A bit like moving house? You know there's still going to be post going to your old address unless you actively do something about it, or ask the new tenants about it?

That's been my philosophy at least.

I've had *a lot* to deal with on the work front and house renovations front without chasing after H to tell him about his post. I worked 7 days last week, in three different venues, almost 70 hours in all.

I have another two weeks of this crazy schedule and then my temporary contract is done, and I can go back to my normal pace.

I'm very slowly starting to put my house back together after the workmen were in. My parents have been helping me with this, building shelves and adding new things in. I feel very grateful for their help at the moment.

All in all I feel that life is good at the moment. I feel like I'm slowly finding myself and finding my feet.

I still dream about H. Last night I dreamt that I was coming back home, came in the front door and there were lots of large photographs of H hanging on the hallway walls.

I woke up feeling very sorrowful. Thankfully an utterly frantic day at work at my temporary contract swept that feeling aside pretty quickly.

This evening I'm enjoying the silence and stillness in my house.

[focus22]

I'm feeling very tired, very low, very lonely at the moment.

Could do with any support anyone has to offer.

[Sotto]

Ah Focus 22, I'm sorry to hear that my lovely. You are doing so well and there are so many highs and lows on this journey. I can recall some days that started terribly and then ended pretty well...it all depends what you manage to do with yourself.

It sounds like it has been a pretty rough time with a lot going on for you home and work wise.....do you have any plans for the weekend?

Xx

[SH_]

I'm feeling very tired, very low, very lonely at the moment.

Could do with any support anyone has to offer.

Focus,

What has you down?
Is it that you are tired?
Or was there a trigger?

What can we chat about to place your focus on a uplifting thought?

[Rose888]

Hey. I'm here.

What are your plans for today?

I have to plan menus for the week and buy groceries, one of my least favorite chores. Too many decisions!

Trying to decide which of several fun things I want to work into my weekend.

[AndrewP]

focus22 - check with the Royal Mail. You should be able to file a "change of address" card and have his mail either kept at the post office or forwarded to H's new address.

That will keep that reminder of him away and make it his responsibility.