Very close to giving up

[roist]

Some good work going on there.Keep it up or better stillbuild on it.

I have not reread all your posts do I cannot comment fully on OM. I advise to not let him consume your mind. V difficult to do but in essence you choose how and what you think.

It does sound like a boundary is needed. Before MC, know what consequences you decide to implement if boundary continues to be broken. For the record, there are many many consequences and not automatically D.

You cannot work on a M with a third person, so stop working on it. No more MC, no more R talks, at minimum. Afterwards you choose how far is appropriate as a consequence.

Best wishes. Good luck with MC.

[Jug]

Thanks roist! I'm open to suggestions for boundaries.

[RSG]

Rsg,

Sorry you're having such a rough night. Fight some more and feel good that you did. I'm setting a date for myself for when I'd throw in the towel.

Thanks Jug. I made it through yesterday, doing ok again today! I agree with the others, don't set a date as it just creates added stress on you. As for boundaries re the dbag around your W, I'd say 2 things: Try your hardest not to mention them. Even though they'll never say it, it will surprise your W. Don't worry about him. He is likely a loser, and someone who kisses her butt no matter what nonsensical thing she's saying.


When my W left, she took S with her (that day) because she said I was "unstable" too based on having a natural, emotional reaction. It's a way for them to be in control, and project THEIR lack of mental stability on to you.

You're still living together? That's harder for me to give advice about. All I can really say is do your thing, don't ask about what she's doing....

[Jug]

Rsg,

Sorry you're having such a rough night. Fight some more and feel good that you did. I'm setting a date for myself for when I'd throw in the towel.

Thanks Jug. I made it through yesterday, doing ok again today! I agree with the others, don't set a date as it just creates added stress on you. As for boundaries re the dbag around your W, I'd say 2 things: Try your hardest not to mention them. Even though they'll never say it, it will surprise your W. Don't worry about him. He is likely a loser, and someone who kisses her butt no matter what nonsensical thing she's saying.


When my W left, she took S with her (that day) because she said I was "unstable" too based on having a natural, emotional reaction. It's a way for them to be in control, and project THEIR lack of mental stability on to you.

You're still living together? That's harder for me to give advice about. All I can really say is do your thing, don't ask about what she's doing....

Thanks rsg. I read the momma bear thing last night and that was so rough. I feel for all of you.

I appreciate the support and advice. I won't bring up OM outside of mc. I've been getting the "you are unstable" thing a lot for being sad and upset. It's always when I get a bd like ilybinilwy and discovery of the A. I never yelled, hit, broke anything, or stormed out. For the latter, I didn't sleep all night and read books about marriage. Pretty unstable, right? Hope you have a good weekend. Stay strong.

[sandi2]

There must be many different ways that WW's are awakened from their fantasies, and much depends on individual situations and *personalities* of the WW's.

I actually talked a little about the WW wake up call on JRuss thread today. Couldn't cover everything, but did try to address some of it.

[Jug]

Thanks sandi. We always welcome your input.

Had the mc session today. Pushed for some sort of progress towards breaking contact with OM and got nothing. Ww talked about how incompatible we are, how we've been living a lie, how we've never been romantic, how we are at best really good friends, how OM helped her find herself. Rough stuff. Concluded that good communication is helpful no matter the outcome. Ww doesn't know what she wants. She was very defensive about everything I said. Came out of there speechless but we are amiable. She apologized for how rough the session was.

She went to an exercise class afterwards and I went home with S. We played a video game together after she got back and talked a little. Still hanging on.

[ForGump]

Ww talked about how incompatible we are, how we've been living a lie, how we've never been romantic, how we are at best really good friends, how OM helped her find herself.

Wha...t? You had marriage counseling w/ my wife?

(This is nearly exactly what my WW said).

[roist]

You have done coaching so I will let their advice be your way forward.

You want to be friendly but not friends. Know the difference and be clear about it. At this stage that could be voiced, but should be done without anger or resentment.It is just a fact. If either of ye decides to split, (yes IMO it is OK that W is aware she isn't only one that decides that) then you will coparent with her but you are not interested in being friends. You will need to live that through your actions and interactions.

W is not working on R so MC is just a tool to beat you with. IMO there is no use in continuing to go together at this stage.

Did you state any consequence about contact with OM? You cannot make her stop. That is controlling (or trying to control) HER. Continuing contact is not acceptable to you, so what do YOU DO?

By the way don't believe her BS. She may believe it now. That does not make it true. But it is your current reality. Accept it but don't dwell there. Your situation is not hopeless but it will be a long hard path if you choose to walk it.

Best wishes

[Jug]

Figuring out a plan.

Another piece that ww shared was that her ic and her two (younger) sisters all agree that OM has been good for her. I know that this may be interpretation or maybe bullying but I don't feel like hanging out with them any more. My birthday is soon and ww says they want to have a party for me. My feeling is that I'm all set and they can go have their own pro A party themselves and see how their marriages end up.

[Cherry]

Sorry to hear how rough a time you are having. It [censored] that her sisters have taken her side. Forget them for now and focus on you. There's some great advise you've been given here. There's so many a similar trait between a ww and a wh, they both turn into spoilt stroppy teenagers- and the AP are just a toxic boil that has attached themselves to our crazy spouse.

A big thank you to RSG for the comment about how they must truly loose us, and see us happy while they are spinning. Really made sense to me and motivated me today. The last couple weeks I've barely seen my wh. He practically lives in his bedroom and will not eat with the family or see us. His circus. His monkeys.

Enjoy your child, every second. They are precious to us and give us reason to get out of bed every day