The Fight for Self II

[CT1118]

Thanks RSG, makes sense. I left out above that after we were done with the yelling, she went to bathroom & left her phone on the counter. It beeped and I don't know why I did it... I picked it up to see if it was OM. It Was...miss you baby, when will you be here. I was just damn mad. She walked,out and saw me w/ pone in hand. I felt like such an angry, needy, puss. Crushed my own manhood. Just a dumb move. I didn't do begging or crying, but just dumb. Had gone so far for,so long. Big lesson to all who thought I was strong, backslides can hide in the darkness of your mind and you don't even know it. I can't even explain to her, she wouldn't care or understand.

She said, "I don't know what this guy is to me. You know it's not the long haul, I mean come on, he is a nowhere person." So, a person she cares nothing for is a better alternative to me, a man she said again that she loves after all of the above. She told,me how scared she was by our behavior at the end of the marriage and how we treated each other.

It was all there for me, education, GAL, 180, IC,,support group...and my own damn ego over the OM made me bang it all up in a single day. All I had to do was spit out one calm sentence on my boundary and leave it there.I think I need to just go NC for a good while. I've just spent the past couple days realizing that I just don't feel very healthy...mentally. Still did gym and went for walks. Took s4 to pool today. Couldn't engage with the present.