I haven't had a thread here in about six months since I asked to have my original deleted because of privacy concerns. The chaos in my life has largely subsided by this point, so I don't know how much I'll actually have to post about, but wanted to make a new thread to answer some posts from another thread rather than hijack the OP.
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Would you have H back (if he had genuinely changed)?
That is a difficult question because I value family above anything else, and I have always been the one to never give up, no matter what. I would have never walked away of my own volition if H had not forced this situation on me, no matter how unhappy I was. That said, with detachment has come a lot of clarity, and I can see now that what happened in our current situation was not an isolated incident but a pattern of behavior. H has a very difficult time processing intense emotions, and a history of checking out (by cheating or leaving) to avoid doing so. In 19-years of marriage, he's left me three times and had multiple EA/PA's. That said, there is a part of me that knows his family history and can understand why he is the way he is. I feel sorry for him, and I do think he loves me in the limited way he is capable of loving. At the same time, this is who he is, and I feel like permanent change is unlikely. At this point in my life, I'm really tired of fighting to be loved and just want something healthy. Someone capable of real intimacy and closeness and who will stay. I don't foresee that ever being him.
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Have you dated, been tempted (I have not yet, doesn't feel right, I am married), but the attention would be a boost...
H and I physically separated over two years ago. I am dating at this point, but did not start seeing anyone until after the papers were signed. I think it's definitely a personal choice. I waited till the papers were signed because I never wanted anything to regret if we eventually worked things out. That said, dating definitely helped me move forward once the decision was made, and I feel a lot better about myself. Sometimes I still find myself surprised that men are paying attention to me, wanting to spend time with me, or are interested in what I have to say. It's a very nice feeling.
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My biggie at the moment. WW has a lot of money - she raided an account I set up for her (trusting fool!). I am paying a monthly sum - what I used to pay for food, shopping etc. Not formal, just what I used to put into the joint account. My wife is cake eating big time. I am not asking what I should do, what would you do? - you are not advising me - stop the payments, tell her the money she has is enough for comfort for at least 2 years, or what? I feel she is the Pillsbury Doughboys best friend at the moment.....I could of course, just think, see you in 2 years, when all the cupboard are empty of cake.....
I'm not really sure on this one. Do you have kids? If there are children involved, I would not think it would be a good idea to stop providing support, regardless of what she's managed to take already, but that is purely a guess. I think your best option would be to talk to a lawyer and see what they advise for your situation. You don't want W to get away with cake eating, but even more, you wouldn't want to do something that might make you vulnerable to accusations of neglect or abandonment, particularly if there are children involved.
