Newby here, desperate for some advice (thread 3)

[JRuss]

FG -- I feel hopeful at times, too; then get set back when The Cold Front blows in, realize I'm not close to detached, and, well, I'm sure you've seen the thousand-word posts and related blatherings. I think hope is maybe ok if moderated, but expectation is no good, and I've been trying to figure out where one begins and the other ends. It's a work in progress.

Re your second point, understanding what does NOT work for me/us is easy: R talks really, really don't work. Trying to get her to go to lunch or on a date night, at least right now -- don't work. Showing her a scholarly article on pursuer/distancer dynamics, trust me, does not work.

But knowing what "works" is harder, because I don't get a lot of positive or immediate feedback. She's always been a shower more than a teller in terms of expressing happiness or affection, so that's not that unusual. I pretty much try to stick with stuff that doesn't immediately and angrily land me in the areas the things in the preceding paragraphs land me. 180s (of which GALing is one, actually -- I was really lazy and tunnel-visioned during my depressed period) make me happy and don't seem to put me in a worse position, so I do those: lots of chores around the house, try to listen really well (avoiding my tendency to want to "fix" and validate), exercise, eat right, have an outward zeal for life, etc.