I really think I've put in a lot of efforts to GAL. I go to 12 step every day at least once - I have ~120 days of sobriety now. 2-3 counselors and therapists at least several times weekly. I meditate and journal daily. Exercise as much as I can given doctors orders to 'take it easy'. Playing music again. Making big strides on developing my side business. Loving my kids when I'm with them.
But you may have meant 'who are you inside'? - as in, have I gotten to know myself? Have I learned anything? the answer is yes. It is a sad way to learn things but yes. I did a relationship inventory recently - I've only really had two really multi year LTRs - my wife and then the LTR I had in my 20s. Both relationships fizzled because I 'mentally check out' - not being abusive, not being mean, just generally spending more and more time alone working on my own hobbies - the music, the side business. The weed didn't help, although my former girlfriend didn't think anything of it. And then me being very defensive when asked to sacrifice my 'alone time', justifying it by saying that I spend so much time working I need to 'recharge' - pushing back when asked to go to social functions and activities that would take away from my alone time. Feeling complacent in the relationship, but not wanting to leave because I am comfortable if not totally happy. I think at some point I stopped feeling part of a 'partnership' and become very selfish with my time attention and emotions. I think my ex took this very hard, as a rejection of sorts on my part.
What I want in the future is to grow. Find a way to become a more balanced person with better communication skills and empathy - all without sacrificing time to work on my personal projects, which I really appreciate now that I'm alone. I also want to be more social, put more of a priority on other people instead of myself. Also now that I'm a single father I have to really pay close attention to how I'm handling myself in that regard.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
