I see your point. First logon under emotional duress and pending doom. Weird online with strangers I guess. Humor is hard to see in printed format and from someone you don't know. and Thanks!
Cessna -- I'm no expert, but I do not think you should be inviting your W to dinners or events. She's made it clear that, right now, she wants nothing to do with you. For that to change, she has to get time and space and an opportunity to feel like losing you would be bad instead of an improvement. If you're repeatedly asking her to do things, it will simply make her focus on the large difference between the way you feel about her and the way she feels about you (right now), she'll feel smothered, and will withdraw further.
Have you read Sandi's rules? Cadet linked to them in one of the first posts in your thread. I'm linking it again here:
These are really, really good teachings for those of us in this unfortunate situation and represent thousands. You'll see that your exact question is answered, but there are lots and lots of other really great suggestions.
Hang in there!
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
Totally understand what your saying. However, this particular event would be a 180 for me. I would have simply said I'm going there and you could meet me. Other than that, I'm laying low with no contact. She is contacting me more now that I'm going dim.
I have found evidence of W and friends spying on me through different venues so I am reluctant to get into specifics. These are divorcees. The divorces is where I noticed the most profound changes. With each one, anger and resentment increased. I can say jealousies and parenting have been the mainstay probs. That should be well behind us now. And I thought it was? But now, previous issues are brought up frequently and treated as if they happened an hour ago? The level of resentment for me now is much higher than the weeks previous to the separation with very little contact and zero arguing from me since the separation.
Not sure how anyone can spy on you if you delete browsing history or they look over your shoulder. Personally speaking if your R is going down the toilet you need to address the issues. You will need to explain your sitch in much more detail.
I know it sounds alien. It is. However, the people that can help you need to know more to help. Why? Because they can see patterns in behaviour - sadly we all follow these patterns. But if they can't see all of the patterns they can't help you with them. Your W is also following a pattern. Perhaps that of a WW???
I have read your sitch and there is a lot of so similarity to mine.
Both drinkers - me more in fairness she is more pleasure, stressful jobs etc also. Curbing this is your key change. You W might not curb her drinking, gong out with the girls thing for a while but ignore that. Just focus on being the perfect version of you, reliable great dad etc.
My W had an EA with a guy, possibly PA, WS often accept the lowest level of waywardness only. And often after you discover it - why would the broadcast it.
The bile and spew you have had, divorced friends and wayward party girls. Had it all. Was building for years. My W surrounds herself with people that validate her wayward behaviours because she knows it is wrong. But she can't help herself right now because she is lost.
You have to become the shining pillar of you. You get found first. She then can see that and see she the mess she has got into.
You will have seen lots about detaching on here. Sandi and other make it really clear. The reason you do this is to protect yourself from her actions and words. You also give space for the same reason to some degree. But also, she needs it. This gives you time apart as time together bumping heads is going to make things get worse. Every time she sees you, you will bring up those feelings of frustration. You need to cut that so she can see you again.
Detach and give her space is great advice from Cadet, Sandi etc. Focus on this. Don't know what you do to destress, run, read, walk, cook, post on here.....they all help. If you do this, soon you will start to see the anxiety go (it will come back in shorter bursts - grief cycling) and you will see the core you again. Because sadly, you kind of get a fog too and yours needs to clear.
Detach, give space, be kind, exercise, eat, sleep etc and take care of this kids. Be the best daddy ever. Keep posting. Open up - people on here will only help. There are no other agendas. Delete browsing etc though.
Take care.
Surfer.
M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids Issues2009 Wpartying w/g.f's2013on EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR ImeetAP/EAhalts VariousBDDates MFCourse WSpew EAresumes I halt Wrages DBIng4/2016
Her friends can't know who you are from what you have said surely?
I guess you have the same witches coven problem I have. My WW has friends that are absolutely lovely, in fact some in the crowd she hangs with are very nice, but there is a core of witches. They make my p!ss boil. These are the ones that lied about her EA to me.
Anywhere they are, she goes, she thinks they are 'there' for her. I can't tell you how much that angers me. It even got to the point that I thought they were giving her drugs (my WW doesn't take drugs I am pretty sure of it). they have such a hold over her. I know that Sandi would say its because you are rejected and they make her feel alive.
I just wish she could feel that loss that Sandi talks about. She may never do that. I just need to move on I think. All this sound similar Cessna?
Anyway, rant over, time to chill out and forget about it....
M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids Issues2009 Wpartying w/g.f's2013on EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR ImeetAP/EAhalts VariousBDDates MFCourse WSpew EAresumes I halt Wrages DBIng4/2016
