Newby here, desperate for some advice (thread 3)

[Rose888]

doodler -- my W is a bit of hybrid. Resolutely refuses to work on the R, go to MC, etc., but, at least to date, no OM (I've snooped, I'll admit it, embarrassingly).

She's just "done" and sees no way we could be rehabilitated but, for now, is willing to play house while our youngest completes 4th (just started) and 5th grade because we're zoned for a great public school but will in any event be putting him in private school for 6th and can live anywhere, in two houses, etc.

So I keep hoping the GALing and 180ing breaks down the Berlin Wall she's built up around her heart, but my continued difficulty detaching undermines the efficacy of those otherwise really good activities. They read as "because of" or "for her" instead of evidence of me moving on emotionally, without her.

Any advice that ever occurs to anyone following this thread will be gratefully appreciated.

Just curious--how do you know how your GALing and 180ing is being read? Can you give us some examples?

I am not a vet. My sitch is still way too new for me to know if my R is going to be a success story, and even if it is, H deserves a lot of the credit. Insert some more disclaimer text here. ;-)

That said, I'll share my experience in the hope that it is helpful.

When I first came to the board, I spent a day or two trying to "detach" as some people on the board seemed to see it. I treated H like a neighbor. Initiated no unnecessary conversations. If he initiated, I kept my responses to validation and contributed nothing of my own.

It backfired. Despite keeping my tone pleasant and my validations friendly, it was such a departure from the norm that H read it as cold and felt like he was being gamed.

Here is what I switched to that seemed to work better:

* No encouraging or initiating of R talks. If he initiated, I validated and tried to keep the convos as brief as possible.

* I worked really hard to realize that his mood was not all about me. He could be tired or grouchy or angry for reasons that had nothing to do with me. I should not be responsible, and I did not have to fix it.

* I stopped giving him friendly reminders about things like appointments. (He would say I stopped nagging him.) If he forgot something, I let him fix the issue all by himself. I validated that it sucked, but I treated him like I might a good friend. I empathized, but I didn't call people or log into accounts to fix.

* I stopped expecting him to make me feel better. If I felt bad or upset, I put on my big girl panties and dealt with the feelings myself. (Note: often he would realize I must be feeling upset about x--because he knows me well--and would reach out to console, and I accepted those, but I retained the primary responsibility for soothing/dealing with my own feelings of sadness or fear or worry.)

* If there was something I wanted to do (concert, hike, etc.), I made plans to go. I sometimes invited him, but if he didn't want to go, I went anyway. In the past, I might have stayed home, thinking, "I'd rather be with H." Now, I go. Don't get me wrong; I'm not out every night. But I don't force him into the role of controlling what I do by the choices he makes for him. If I haven't asked him, but he asks if he can come, I say yes.

* Especially in the early days, when I was struggling to not initiate R talks, I looked for things we could do together at home (watch a new show, play a game) that would allow us to spend pleasant time together and give us something to talk about besides the elephant in the room.

Since H was still at home and wasn't in an A, rather than making him feel the loss of leaving before he'd actually left, I wanted him to feel how good home could be, so he'd have a taste of what he would be giving up. But I wanted to do it in a healthy, emotionally detached (not cold! just two people being adult about owning their own emotions) relationship.

I think those are the key things I did with regards to detachment.

I also focused on identifying micro exchanges that kept coming up that introduced minor moments of discord into our R. Some of these had to do with me changing my response to H's humor. I worked to 180 these, and H has noticed and commented pleasantly on my new responses.

And I worked on worrying less and being braver, more willing to try new things--and to seek new things out. This is still very much a WIP, but I'm happy with the progress I've made.

I also made a point of allowing/encouraging as much physical contact as H seemed to want, but not engaging in contact that he seemed to pull away from. My logic here is that physical contact releases chemicals in the brain that help with bonding--so I didn't want to close off that method of reconnecting.

Just my two cents. No guarantee this is the right course for anyone else.