I was going to vent about all the nasty things WWs bully L just implied about me in his email to my L today. Instead, I am going to focus on things for which I am grateful and come back to my center.
It does not pay to get upset because it does not change my sitch for the better. On the contrary, every time I get angry or upset at something that happens, I am really saying that I am in control of things and I deny G-d's providence in all of this. See my previous post about anger - it is also detrimental to my health. I saw an awesome thread about gratitude on the board here, but I have not had a chance to visit yet. I will bolster my gratitude attitude here for now.
1) I was able to find time to talk to my Mother immediately after the above missive email. Many people my age no longer have a mother to talk to or confide in and wish they still could. Others have poor relationships with their mother and cannot confide in them. I love my Mother very much. She is a kind and patient person. She has put up with my antics and has loved me unconditionally from the day I was born and still takes time to listen to me. She is wise and offers good advice. She is a widow (I miss my dad very much), so she knows about and identifies with the loneliness I feel right now. She is also a tough woman, having gone through travails in her life. I may not have enough time to see my shrink, but I have a mother, and that has made all the difference. I am so thankful that G-d has kept her in my life.
2) I am getting better at dealing with things using my intellect instead of my emotions. I have written and erased multiple emails that would have betrayed my emotions, would not have improved my sitch, would have weakened my position, and would run up L fees. It is WWs Ls job to try to irritate me. By my getting irritated, he wins. I have done nothing wrong in this process. I am simply trying to protect my interests and those of my children. All my actions should be directed towards this end. There is no reason for me to be ashamed, feel guilty, or become defensive. I get this now. If my wife tries to besmirch my good name, it will only rub off on her and her camp. I love me.
3) This experience is making me a better person. No question about it. I am more appreciative of things. I am tougher. I am more resilient. I am more sympathetic to the plight of others. I feel like more of a man. My family has noticed a tangible change in me. Once I am no longer in the presence of my WW, I will feel the burden lifted. I think every DBer wants their Ws to notice their changes, but every day I care less and less what she thinks. I wonder if I should migrate over to the "surviving the big D" forum. Any suggestions? Should I wait to the end of this thread - that could take months - at this rate.
4) Had a little chest pain from the stress. Not organic. Just tightness due to the stress of the email. I have a comedy show to go to tonight. Gonna dress to kill and wear some fiiine cologne. chest pain is already resolving. I am learning that we can choose to focus on the negative or the positive. What we focus on CREATES our reality. this point was made very well by someone I admire a lot: When you are driving down the street, you don't focus on everything - road signs, trees, the sun, how many times your heart is beating per minute, what you ate for breakfast, how much saliva is in your mouth, etc... you only focus on a few things at a time, e.g. the road signs, your speed, pedestrians, the road itself. In that moment, those things create your reality. I don't need to focus on Ls letter. I have already replied to it. As I have said before: "SW^3/N = Some will, some won't, so what - Next". What a great equation. Rising above it. That's what it is all about.
5) I have fears about what life will be like after I move out or what will happen next or what stunt my W will pull next. 99% of my fears never materialized. I just need to read "The star in inside YOU" over and over and over again. I am so thnakful for this post. As I have said countless times - every LBS should read this oh-so-empowering post.
6) I am not so back up at work as I feared. I have some paperwork to do, some phone calls to make, and I am juggling a lot, and even dropping some balls, but there has not been anything calamitous at work. It has been my own feelings of inadequacy at work that have made things seem worse than they are. I am a good doctor. Sure, I sometimes don't call my patients back fast enough, sometimes I am delinquent in my charting, sometimes I make the wrong decision, sometimes I am inefficient. NONE OF THIS MATTERS IN THE GRAND SCHEME OF THINGS. No one ever lay on their deathbed and said "Boy, I wish I was less delinquent in my charting". I have had some excellent therapeutic alliances with my patients and their families. I have even met some fellow LBSs along the way.
Wow! These posts are so therapeutic. I can feel my tension dissolving with every word I type. I am also realizing, with all this affirmative talk, that I am pretty awesome.
In two days, it will be my 18th anniversary, which is also my 3-year anti-versary - BD was on my 15th wedding anniversary. I will have been "dealing" with this for exactly 3 years. When I look back at myself then, I was a weak shaky leaf. I think this post marks a tremendous milestone. Let's seen if I can keep the momentum going. I am a soul. I am not my past, I am not my profession, I am not my titles, I am not my achievements, I am not my mistakes. I am a soul.
Best to all,
RAI
P.S. I know it was a long post. It took me a long time to write, but it was the best 45 minutes of my day. I hope my children can read this one day and see how a real man reacts to perceived adversity. Makin' lots of lemonade.
