GB - You are just so damn eloquent. And BTW, I'm in your camp. I have so many male friends. My life would be utterly lost without them. My entire career I've been in male dominated work environments, and I'm just used to them. They make me appreciate my female friends all the more.
Sunny - I still haven't been introduced to Mr. W's GF. Seriously. And she wasn't in the picture when we split up. I don't know why, though he *did* invite me to drive up to Montana for his dad's celebration of life in July. Like I'd seriously sit in the back seat of his truck while she's in MY spot? Yeah, right. But I recognize that in his odd way, he's ready for that to happen. People are weird.
You don't have to get all the answers while you sit in discomfort. I still don't have them. But instead of pretending they don't exist while I check things off my list (yes, I'm the EXACT same way), I pick at the scab periodically to remind myself that the busy work is not meant to distract me from identifying what lurks beneath.
I'll always have my D19 with me, so I can't use the empty nest excuse. She'll always need me. Which means I have to switch to a mind set that I'm already an empty nester. (That sounds insane.) I'm sure someone IRL would tell us to just get over it. I can't. I can't pretend that I'm not affected by my daughter living in another state. I'm happy for her, and we talk all the time. But I really miss her. I miss having her live at home. I miss having her friends afoot, foraging through my refrigerator and eating all my food. I miss their messes and crumbs on the floor. I miss her slovenly bedroom. I miss everything about the life that I had 6 years ago. I managed to mosey through college, because that was temporary. Although deep down inside I knew it was realistic that she'd live out of Colorado, I held out hope that I'd still have her close enough to work out with her or go on walks, or to take a cooking class together or go to the theater.
Sure I do those things. But I miss HER. I'm not exactly sure what my life will look like at 64. That's probably a good thing, right? But the good news is that I can take baby steps to create a life that makes sense for me 10 years down the road. I hear my dad's voice saying, "You don't eat an elephant in one sitting. You eat it one bite at a time." It's so true.
I also can't pretend that my life is drastically different without those I love who passed away not in it. I find myself tearing up on and off ALL.THE.TIME. I talk to them as though they were here, and I imagine their responses. Which makes me miss them all the more.
That also applies to figuring out what you need as your life changes. I think only one of my friends has it figured out. I think the reason she got there faster is because her D22 is an only child, and went to the AF Academy. She knew going in that her D22 was going to graduate with a commission and fly away. The winter of her freshman year, she moved up to their vacation home in Vail and applied to be a ski instructor. She's had the time of her life doing that. She's not divorced, but she told her H that if he didn't let her follow her dreams, they could live apart. God bless him... he just said OK.
Other than that, the rest of us are just trying to figure out what next. We keep on keeping on, we have our busy work, we do what needs to be done, but we're also trying to make room for stuff that brings us joy. One bite at a time.
Why don't you just plan the next 3-6 months and see how you can string along a series of small successes? BTW, I did take that cooking class... it was not really cooking, but we did make stuff. The class was called Knife Skills 101. I got paired up with a 16 year old boy who was a delight. He was taking the class with his stepmother, because they both like to cook. How cool is that?
My elephant is finally addressing the enormous amount of grieving I've been doing for the past 2 1/2 years. It knocked me on my ass, and I sat on a couch crying and distracting myself with TV, movies and reading and comforted myself with food. It was bad for my health. So now I have the lovely task of acknowledging how that grief affected me and taking care of the results from making poor choices. I'm having gradual small success there, but it's hard. And I'm mad at myself for having chosen that path. At least my nutritionist says I'm her star client LOL. The good part is that I'm learning all over again the value of self care. When everything else is in doubt, do something for yourself.
Feel free to jump off the sofa to cross off items of your task list. But periodically force yourself to face the hard stuff so you can work it out. The solution won't come until your feelings are addressed and managed. Be nice to yourself!
Hugs, and hang in there. It's not easy, but it's worth the effort.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
