Are you initiating the phone contacts with your W? If so, I encourage you to wait for her to contact you. It sounds as if she wants to feel space and freedom from you/marriage. She may see you more like an enemy or the source to all her problems, rather than the man who loves her.
When she does contact you, use that time to apply some tools that, perhaps, you aren't currently using.
Don't bring up the subject of your MR. If she brings it up, then listen to her.....as long as she's being civil. Right now, R talks will trigger the emotions on both sides, so it's better to just listen and validate her where you can.
Validate her feelings, if at all possible.
Don't ask a lot of questions, drill her, or lecture.
If she talks about problems at work, or with her friends, etc., don't try to be Mr. Fix-it. Just listen and validate.
Speak softly.
Smile as you speak. Although she may not be able to see you, it helps you to have an approachable tone of voice. She can hear the friendliness of your voice.
Don't offer solutions, unless she specifically asks you for your opinion.
If she blames you for something that you know is/was your fault....then apologize.
Focus on you not emotionally reacting to anything she says. You are in control of your behavior. You are showing her that you can be calm when talking with her. Hold it together while you are on the phone.
If she loses her temper and yells, curses, make accusations against you.......calmly tell her that it's time to end the call and can talk another time. Then you hang up the phone.
How was this loss.......the person related to her? Was it after the time she lost the person that you began seeing more anger in her?
What about her looks? Dress younger, different color hair, cosmetic surgery, or whatever, that maybe she didn't previously do?
Does she show anger with just you/kids, or with coworkers and friends, too?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
