Lots to think about, lots to share, where to start?
I have ready SH's and Zephyr's posts above. I googled healthy detachment and read some stuff on the live strong site. So, here's where I still have some confusion:
I apparently was in a codependent relationship with xW. She had definite issues, I have thought of more examples as recently as last week. July 2014 she was texting about wanting sex with me (yes, the same woman who claimed I r@ped her out entire M), she suddenly turned the subject to her own insecurities, that I didn't want to go out and do things with her, maybe I was ashamed of being seen with her, maybe I have a GF on the side that I was afraid to run into, etc. I told her I thought I showed her how I felt, she replied "I guess you are right" and the subject was dropped. In hindsight, there are so many examples, so many red flags.
Was my role in the M codependent? That is a hard one to nail down. I choose to NOT do things with people, I am an introvert and choose this. I would rather be at home and work on a project then to be out with others. Always have been that way, I don't desire anything different. I get enough socializing between work, and a little interaction with family every couple weeks. But it was nice to go into the house after a project and have a W to talk to. I was strong, fairly independent, could function fine on my own. Even now, adapting the roles of a single father scared the crap out of me, but I have taken to it like a duck to water. I do laundry, cooking, cleaning, shopping, everything, without even thinking about it. Yes I do so because I have to, but in no way do I dread it.
The red flag for me, the way I was in the M, what makes me codependent, is the overwhelming desire to have someone in my life. But, is this a problem? Yep, if I get into an inappropriate R, and don't leave, it is a problem. This is part of the definition by Ross Rosenberg, the inability to leave. Did I fall into that trap? With xW? Yep. For a few years anyway, there were red flags all over when we were first M'd. But things improved with time. She still had issues, but I was still overall happy to be with her. I refused to let it pull me down. That is likely part of what xW resented about me, she wanted to bring me down, and couldn't. She saw me happy, she wasn't. Her circus, her monkeys. Why couldn't I let it go after she left? I still am having trouble letting it go, and why? Because of the children? Because she ripped my life apart and left me with barely anything? Because I loved having a complete family? Because I won't be able to share things the kids experience with their mother on the fly? Wow do I miss the family atmosphere!
Am I falling into this pattern with GF? I say yes and no. It is maybe a bit early to tell. I am doing what I do. I have been spending a lot of time mowing lawn. I am doing activities with the kids. I take care of the house mostly on my own. But I do find it easier when GF is around. And it still isn't the same as if xW was there, the mother of my children. I seriously miss that still, which causes some confusion for me. GF is incredible with my kids, they really enjoy being with her, that is such a huge relief, not having to choose if I need to get rid of GF because it isn't good for the kids to have her around. I have definitely heard stories about couples like that, and what a mess it makes for the kids. But still, GF will never be the mother of my kids.
Interesting, GF just yesterday was commenting on the fact that she has typically fallen into the caregiver role, to take care of people, and she said it is such a relief that she doesn't feel that way with me, I allow her to be herself more than ever. I guess this is what I imagine happens to people with codependent tendencies when they try to build something better.... I think we are on the right path?
Things with GF are holding steady. We spend a fair amount of time together, but still living our own separate lives when needed. I would like to get our lives combined the rest of the way, both to have more time with her, and for financial reasons. I think that day is coming, soon. We have a bunch of projects to tackle on her house to get it ready to sell, and have been talking about the details lately. GF's house isn't very nice, but she had some pretty grand plans for what she wanted the house to be for her to stay in it. Being she is going to sell it now, I have been trying to get the projects to be simpler, better for resale only.
Today is going to be an interesting day. I meet with the IC that xW and my kids go to, per xW's request. I am meeting with him alone today, in the future xW and I will meet together with this IC.
I am totally confused why she wants me to go, she says to figure out how to coparent together. But her actions are so ridiculous, problems that she needs to work through, it's not my problem. The OFP is still in place, which completely prevents any communication. Every time she requests some change to the schedule, I accept. I ask for something, and get "no way." The accusations of what I am supposedly saying to the kids continue, while I get an earful from the kids almost every visit about stupid things xW and xMIL are saying to the kids. I can't imagine what she thinks is going to happen in counseling. That she is going to get the IC to convince me I am the problem? That she will get to vent to me all the things I have done wrong? But they are all things she made up, they aren't real. What is interesting, she never would go to MC, because she thought I would manipulate the counselor into taking my side. Isn't that going to be a concern for her now too? Or she is so convinced of her own lies, and has her IC convinced of them, that she thinks there is no way that is going to happen? Well, if that is what she thinks, she is in for a rude awakening.
The legal battle isn't over yet either. I am making the first child support payment today, but an amount that is "temporary" while they fight for more money. 1.5k per month apparently isn't enough for her, on top of her income, she is asking for another 750 per month! This is from the woman who has been telling D10 (D9 just had a bday) xW is going to teach D10 that she doesn't "need" a man.
I will also end up bringing xW to court because she took assets from the house she shouldn't have. Great fun!
