Whew..just had a big wake up call this morning....I mean really big for me. and I am going to journal some to clear my head and try to explain my thoughts that are currently spinning around in my head.

First of all H has been around since Fri early afternoon. We've spent some quality time just being together and for the most part it's been very nice. I did go away for the week-end for a distant family reunion, S joined me. H stayed back at our house and took care of our dog...who is rehabing from being hit by a car. It gave H an out...he admitted it, but I let him be. He said he needed R & R and staying with the dog at our house would be great for him. S and I had a great time....Sat-Mon. Brought my Mom back with us for a week. She's elderly, so things around the household are slightly different.

H stayed through this a.m. He went into the city....my Mom thinks he's going on a business trip. (She doesn't know about our sep....we both agreed to leave her out of our stuff right now). H is drawn back toward me...wants to test the waters...and really had strong feelings about my Mom getting into our journey. H said it was my decision....but the brunt of the conv with my Mom would lie on me. Duh! I took the easy way out and let it go.

Ok...this is my big revelation. I am now juggling several things....the confusion and stress of where our R is going, work, son at home, Mom visiting, golf comittments, D graduation from college next week....travel there, Seattle, how the family is going to work it all out, etc. Well, my stress level seems to be topped out....and H felt the brunt of it. OLD MEMORIES

H and I talked about this as a flash back. He became frustrated this morning with me....cuz I communicating poorly and leading him to think I didn't want to spend quality time with him. He wanted me to come into the city tonight...dinner and to his apt. I did want to, but didn't know quite how to orchestrate the deal. See....misleading my Mom adds to the confusion. Blah, blah, blah....H misread me...I him. He left frustrated...after a loving evening BTW

H just called me en route to the city. We had a long talk. He suggested I stop juggling too many things, and focus on what's really important and DO THAT WELL. Stop worrying about stuff that doesn't matter. Take each thing one at a time...do it well and move on to the next. H said this was a flashback for him....seeing me in this mode...brings out my poor communication style and causes him to shutdown. He doesn't want me to do thins anymore...he doesn't want to be a part of me in this mode. He told me he thinks this is a critical time to step back and get a PERSPECTIVE.

Jeez....H clearly states his thoughts to me....not his intimate feelings, however. But with all his recent actions, loving gestures, calls, plans, etc....he is definately coming toward me. BTW, he even asked me to go on an extended vacation with him in July...somewhere cool, maybe even Europe. H and I haven't been on our own vacation for a very long time....3-4 years. (except a week-end here and there).

Ok, Mooka...he said some really significant things to me. More than I can detail here. He also want me to clearly state what's on my mind re our R. OMG...I've been letting him take the lead...y'know the DBing way. Yet, h wishes I would bring up my thoughts more often and share them.

Revelation time: I AM BLOWN BACK TO MY OLD HABITS WHEN STRESSED!

This is clearly a major frustration point for H. It also shows in my health....I'm starting to break out more, cankor sores, cracked lips.....health on the peripheral is eroding. YUK.

Got to take a breather and work on me.

My own goals:

Meditate and pray each morning.

Exercise, clear my head.

Eat healthier.

Prioritize my day, week.

Accomplish daily tasks and move on.

Stop worrying about the small stuff...give it to God.

Be more direct with H.

Think before I speak.

Listen better.

Quit trying to read H, just ask him.

Journal more.

ok my friends....times to step back and think through this. H clearly is stating what he wants and doesn't want in a future R with me. Duh.....if this is what I want....a new future with H, I've got to continue to work on ME. I've also got to tell him what I expect in a R with him. We have so much to cover, if this is going to work. This was a hard morning, but it revealed that H does want to have something of high quality with me. This is huge.

We are moving outta neutral and into 1st gear. Time for a new title. Be looking for it folks.

Long enough already!

Mooka