in a REALLY dark place now that I'm home. of course, apologized to wife, validated her feelings and took the blame. why...idk cus I'm a sucker. over vm of course, she couldn't answer the phone. then W gave me some sob story of how she's sick is not ignoring me and is going to bed. and then I feel even worse. does she know that would make me feel bad? and then I think, had I picked D up and showed up to drop her off I could've been there for her. but would that have done anything? been there for her in her time of need? or would that have been letting her have her cake? IDK. I really dont know anything. I don't know. I feel like poop. I can keep it together. I knew this birthday / this current life would be the worst. ever. THE only thing that I feel, right this second, would make my whole life better would be my W saying we'd give it a shot. BUT I'm stupid for thinking that way. and I know it, that's the worst part. I thought I was doing ok at detaching but I'm clearly incapable. Also what's so frustrating is the fact that I'm doing my absolute best and putting my best foot forward EVERY DAY, trying to stay out of her path, being kind, staying dim and that is not enough. Why am I not enough? I should be enough. and I'm not. how do you live with that? day after day..I am not enough for my wife. wow. worst feeling ever.
