Zues126 - I just read the post where you quoted me and then jumped here to respond, without reading all the follow-up (I should be working!).
I want to clarify what I mean by "reframing". It's not going from one extreme to the other. It's not even seeing D in a positive light. It's just putting the pieces together differently, a way that might suit our anger a tad less conveniently. In my case, I have a narrative that says I was a loving and faithful husband that was blindsided and hurt. But if I add a few pieces to the puzzle, I can also be the insensitive and condescending husband who had it coming. As much as I could read my XW's behavior in articles about infatuation and limerence, I can also read my own in the "10 ways in which you are ruining your marriage" articles. I might be an architect of this D more than the victim.
It is obvious that you care a lot about rules and you expect people to follow them, especially when they have openly committed to it. This is a very high bar to clear for humans, for we're not machines bound by the laws of physics (otherwise I'd be working right now!). Every time you get a commitment from someone, you take a chance that it will not be honored. There needs to be a little wiggle room in our expectations or we'll hurt ourselves. Yes, hold others to a high standard, expect the best, but don't hurt yourself in the process. Think of all the people who survive infidelity for instance.
To go back to your wedding vows, where she promised to stay with you forever. I'm not sure where you stand on this now, but you used to be quite upset that she broke them by leaving. Now, what did we promise them? To love and cherish. Sometimes I think I'm the one who broke the marriage vows first. I might have cherished her in my heart, but from her perspective, I didn't (and she told me as much at BD). I didn't vow to "secretly" love and cherish, so you can make the argument that I broke my promise.
Regardless of whether you agree with this perspective, my point is simply showing a reframing of my own situation, one that doesn't fit my righteous anger as conveniently. You'll notice that my D is still a negative event. If I can get there — I am not yet — I will see my D as a learning event, one that helps me become better and, even, perhaps, having a more generous view of my XW and what she did. There would be one less horrible person in my life and I might be happier for it.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
