Very close to giving up

[Jug]

It's not a super marketable degree. She is financially dependent and also needs a lot of help with our son. She could be on her own but I know it would be tough. Not a good reason to stay together though.

I was asking not as a reason to stay together or not, but to possibly understand her feelings. I think W's inability to be independent -- or have it be a big challenge -- can make them feel trapped, and increases their contempt for their H as the source of her unhappiness, and makes it more likely for her to feel rebellious/immature/irrational (thereby become a WW) rather than deal with it more rationally (and be a WAS). It's not just finances I'm talking about, but the general ability to deal with the challenges of being an adult, a parent, a partner. Some people don't have good life skills.

Gotcha. Very insightful. I think she lacks in those areas and has some of that going on.

[Jug]

I brought up the package and it really turns out that it wasn't from the OM

You had me all worked up for nothing! I smashed that package in my head with a hammer!

But, seriously, what does this mean for the "confirmed EA" in your signature? Are you still sure about the EA, and feel PA is also possible? Maybe the EA/PA are also a misunderstanding...? That would give you a lot of hope for the R.

Unfortunately, the EA is confirmed. I know who OM is and have seen confirmed gifts and correspondence.

[Jug]

Gump,

I found all of the stuff from snooping, btw. I know it's something you struggle with. For me, all of the signs were there and I didn't want to be in the dark. Seeing the stuff is definitely unpleasant but I'd rather know the truth. Kind of like the matrix...

[Jug]

How many of you with WW's have separated finances?

[lt0402]

Hey Jug,

Our finances are still intertwined. I believe we're getting close to starting the process on a S agreement and after that's in place I'll work to get things officially separated.

W is a SAHM so she's dependent upon the money coming from my job. Until we get that agreement in place it's probably best to keep it all in the same pot. That said, I still monitor the daily flows very closely.

[AndrewP]

Jug - My L advised me to not make any changes until agreed upon in mediation otherwise it will be taken poorly by the courts. With that said I put email alerts on all of our accounts so that I get notified within minutes of almost anything going on. I've also planned on how to shut them down as quickly as possible.

My bank advised me that for a joint account that all they can do is freeze funds.

With that said my WW has her own accounts and has stopped using our joint accounts from the day she moved out although I know she watches what I do there like a hawk.

[Jug]

Thanks for your replies. Both were very helpful. Good luck in your situations.

[ForGump]

Seeing the stuff is definitely unpleasant but I'd rather know the truth.

I'd like someone to be the intermediary, who redacts stuff I don't need to know, and just tells me the gist, so I know where I stand and any sliver of hope I harbor in my heart is nuked to nothing.

[Jug]

I guess a private eye could do that. Also, wouldn't anything you don't need to know kill your hope?

I know the feeling all too well. Hang in there man.

[sandi2]

Just how little were you and W face to face before getting M? You said something about long distance dating, and getting M quickly.

Sandi2 - I'm set on initiating financial and physical separation. Any other tips/suggestions? I've definitely let go and am not (as) afraid of it. I'm not looking for any particular outcome but just see that either one will be better than the torture/humiliation I'm going through now.

Don't threaten or say something you can't take back. Some people have the mistaken idea that getting out of the M will end their pain.

How is she reacting to your plans of separating, or have you told her?