ForGump -- I do ask how her day went and sympathize w/ joy/sadness. Detaching runs head on into being present/validating at times, for me. I guess I should just be quiet and see if she initiates, but a 180 for me was to really work hard and teach myself to be present and listen, validate, not try to "fix" problems (which minimizes them, I've learned), so sitting there mute seems wrong.
On the larger picture of what does it mean for us inhouse separated types, more and more I'm thinking it probably means we're buggered. I'm not sure I've seen anyone who got even to piecing under that arrangement; seems that a party moving out is necessary in those still-rare instances where couples came back to each other.
Feels bleak.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
I know what you mean. My W is not a model, but is a petite, intelligent redhead w/ a quirky sense of humor, great eyes, and great smile. After we had our D9 she had a thyroid issue and gained a bunch of weight, but she was still the same beautiful woman she's always been. She's shaken off that weight over the past 1.5yrs and now is back to looking like she did when we first started dating.
lt0402- this is the first time I read about what your W looks like, or good qualities "intelligent" & "quirky" that you've mentioned.
But counselor, maybe we have to think outside the box a little. Maybe all those who precede us just did not go far enough, just were not crazy enough. Maybe there IS a way to let our W's know that we are FREAKING detached, we don't give a SHITE what they think, we're just doing our own thing. I mean, just brainstorm and imagine with me for a while. If we had balls of steel, what would we do to just live our lives w/o caring about what our W's think?
Come on!!! Give me some ideas. I don't care how wild they are!
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Get a trailer for the driveway and move her stuff into it? Wheel chocks optional ....
Hey - you asked.
A more realistic option but strongly not suggested because it kills your negotiating power and makes you look weak - you move out.
I struggled with this a lot as anyone who has read my ramblings will know. I "knew" from what I read here that the venerable sandi2 couldn't recall instances where an in-house couple reconciled. In my months here I "think" I saw one but it's hard to tell and I think it went sideways. Probably reconciling people stop posting much to our loss - there may be a higher percentage than we think. I'd love to have MWD's database to analyze for churn rates and keywords.
I still have no clue as to what eventually forced my WW out the door with all of our collectible plates except 3 (found those last night under piles of other stuff). There was a build-up of stress going on for quite a while before the move and almost like a suicide there were multiple false starts.
One thing that I did use the in-house separation for - hopefully to my benefit even though it was perhaps a bit "doormatish" was to have WW see what a great guy I'd become and how self-sufficient. Since she couldn't be relied on for meals, I made them - let her know when they were and left it up to her whether to show up or not. I took over cleaning and took a lot of pride in making our house look better than she ever managed. I wanted to tackle the mild hoarding but didn't have the courage to do that until she moved out (taking a lot of it with her). When she left I hope she thought of me as viable husband material again. She did express appreciation for some of the things I did although I'm not sure she realized I was doing them for me and not her. For my GAL activities like movies, theatre, community events I would tell her that I was going and invite her along - she always had a reason to not go. I was polite, respectful and still blindsided when she actually did walk.
<reacted long rambling about what's going on now ... you're welcome>
What I often like to do with these things is to turn the problem upside down. What is it we're trying to achieve? Break the waywardness and hope that they turn back to us not just as a Plan B but as their preferred choice (important). What can do that? According to the venerable sandi2 - A serious loss due to the waywardness. How is a physical separation related to that? Dammifiknow.
From what sandi2 has written (guys we all need to send her fresh flowers every day - even if we're all still buggered she's given us guidance and hope) one of those losses can be of the MR itself - seems a bit kamikaze to me though. It's vital though that our WW can't "blame" us for it. I've occasionally thought of getting a young lady to carry on an online EA with me - but getting WW to believe it ??? A couple of instances I've read involved the WW getting an STD from OM. An idea I've played with was sending hookers to OM and getting him caught with them by WW.
In my own case I'm thinking that it will might be problems at work that do in my WW. She "loves" that job and her performance has gone waaay down in the last month or so. Only time will tell though and my crystal balls are on the fritz yet again. I don't even know the names of current movies it would seem
Any other thoughts? To be honest I've not paid much attention to threads at the point where the WW moves out but if memory serves it is usually (as might have been in my case) because carrying on the A while under the eyes of the LBH got too painful and stressful.
And oh yes - I've read "The Prince" multiple times - doesn't apply here.
Anyway - those are my thoughts - they're probably worth the price of admission.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
ForGump - from what I understand the coaches tend to have a softer approach than the people here on the forums. I've never really been clear on the connection between the "vets" and MWD - I suspect it's deliberately vague but have noticed that some people who reference coaching do seem to get more attention on their threads by certain "vets". Again - I also don't know of the success rates for people in different situations but the material I've been sent seems to emphasize couples counseling and retreats. Most of the people on the forums seem to be in a more hazardous spot with a WW/WH who won't repent.
I've been waffling about contacting MWD's team just to do a once-over of my sitch and give me some insights and guidelines - not sure if that is a service they offer. My IC I know gets a bit frustrated with me because I come looking for answers and not wanting to talk about my feelings.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Walt Disney could make a fortune with a movie about us - we just need some sort of cute cartoon mascot ...
Sorry - long stressful day. Can't help myself.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
In all seriousness, I think the thing everyone needs to keep in mind is that there are a lot of different views on all of this, some are more firm than others, some are more soft. The thing is that while a lot of us have simmilar stories and situations, that doesn't mean our spouses are going to respond the same way to the same actions. We have to take all of the advice and views with a grain of salt and figure out what works and what doesn't. I still struggle with a lot of that myself because we still live in the same house, sleep in the same bed, and put on the appearance that nothing is wrong. No one else knows about the PA, my WW won't tell her friends or family, and I'm not going to out her as I know that will push her so far away there won't be a way to reconcile at that point. So I'm struggling with the hard vs soft actions, and trying to figure it out.
As far as a disney character, I think we'd have to have something that evolves through the movie. Starts out as a doormat and becomes a strong confident man or woman by the end of the film.
_____________________ Me:44 W:44 Together 22 Married 21 S 19 D 17, 15, 15. 7 EA/PA suspected 3/30/2016 EA/PA confirmed 4/5/2016 ILYBINILWY 4/5/2016 WW asked for Divorce 5/8/2016 (WW has backtracked)
I second what lfm is saying. One of the things that frustrated me so very much when I first came to this board was how many people just kept offering the same basic introductory things without considering that indeed each sitch is unique. They may have been right but it all seemed to stark and formulaic.
What works for someone with a hot young WW who is looking to have some fun probably won't work for me.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
