(Terry Jones): I think she's dead.

[LoisB]

Ha, that's heart-breaking to hear about your MIL's drug use with your very young H. Wow. Ick and wow.

Taking a few days off from work for some R&R. Things are going well... Sorta feeling like the wrinkles in my life are flattening out.

D22 is doing well. She is working at the downtown YMCA, has already received a raise and they have her in mind for a promotion. I'm attending Al-anon again and working hard at allowing her to make her own life. I did tell her that I'm not comfortable with her using any drugs, while living with me. I see flashes of a grown woman, which is a HUGE relief. She is still very angry, but I see it lessening. Hoping she can be in her how place within the next few months.

Still loving the Blue Ridge Mountains. My job sorta [censored], but I'm paying my bills and getting to a good place where I can make some changes... planning to ease out of this company and work for myself. I've created a pretty solid support system with DA and the daily accountability is making a huge difference financially. Still have a ways to go to get where I want us to be, but, today, I'm feeling confident.

Opted out of a family vacay with my mom. Took a lot of prayer and support and feedback from friends, but I decided being with my mom and stepdad wasn't the best place for me right now. My mom has pretty much been absent from my life since I left Ohio. At times, when things were rough, I begged her to come just spend time with us and help me with Louisa. She didn't. Trying to forgive.

She planned this "family" vacation and put tons of pressure on me to come. She offered to rent a car and help financially... All of which felt like "Heather the victim" again. I was honest and told her how it felt about 50 times... all of which was ignored. Finally, I told her, if she really wanted to help, I explained how I was saving for a vehicle, which could make a huge difference in our lives and I needed to put wheels before vacations. I was clear that a car would help me maintain our livelihood, etc... After some condescending remarks about my past debting behavior and other mistakes, and jokes at my and D22's expense, she never came through with any gifts to help with the car. She did, however, tease with... "If I rent a car and you come to vacation, I can give you birthday money."

I decided against it. Just didn't feel right. Not to mention, I couldn't see myself being jovial with stepdad who abused us all so terribly and cheated on my mom twice. I'm sorry it hurt my mom. Getting some clarity on my relationship with my mom.

I've noticed that when I face, get honest about the neglect I experienced as a kid with two very selfish parents--I lose any interest in Matt. He becomes a non-issue. In fact, my life sorta makes more sense, when I look at it from the standpoint of what I learned very early.

Last interaction with Matt was about a month ago. There was this strange, front-page, national story about a vintage vehicle--only 47 in existence--found in an Ohio barn. When Matt and I were first married, he saw the vehicle when making a lumber delivery.

Anyway, I texted him the link to the story. He responded with a short question... I gave a one word reply. He asked about the girls. I gave him two sentences. Said D22's move to Asheville was a transition and D13 was doing OK. He said... "Well, good luck."

I know he is communicating with D22 about every 2 weeks. I don't ask questions though. She offers the info here-and-there. She said he is broke and will be paying off his atty for quite a few years.

I need to contact legal aid to see about revising the tax dependent part of our D settlement. He's going on three years since seeing Louisa. I want to see if I can get the dependency status switched to me annually, as opposed to every other year.

I'm more able to see how broken he is. Still have moments when I consider opening up communication in some way. Maybe out of pity? Sadness?? Longing to have a history with someone? Loneliness? It passes though and I don't. Then, will get hit with a wave of anger at how he's treated the girls in particular.

Life is good though. I wish it hadn't taken so long to face some of these issues, but it is what it is.