It was me trying to be humorous. You can't figure her out, and when she does something like texting at weird times.......just brush it off and don't spend energy trying to analyze the why.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I know I have been trying to figure this out too much. Looking forward to my vacation with the kids and having no internet access or much phone coverage.
Picked up the kids yesterday, she avoids me mostly. She did ask about pictures of D3 that were taken at the daycare. I have the order page but have been busy and not looked at them yet. I let her know she could come by and order together as there is a 5% discount. She replied about coming today, I told her 10.30 would work. Got no response or acknowledgement and she didn't show. I will not be offering a new time today, the pictures obviously are not that important to her.
Today I'm packing the suitcases and cleaning up ready to go tomorrow morning. Will give an update in a few weeks when I'm back.
Si, you haven't really updated lately, so I don't know current sitch or understand why you want to give her letter.
Is the letter you're thinking of giving a list of what you require in order to consider reconciling or is it a letter letting her know you want to reconcile? Understand I was past DB'ing and moving towards D when I text my WW, and wanted to list my boundaries but letting her know I was still willing to consider reconciling... My actions weren't necessarily DB, just a communication after being pretty cruel (open and honest about feelings) over last few weeks.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Hi C'nut, I have been away on vactation witht he kids the past few weeks. Had a great time with them but still struggle with the feeling of that missing part. Part of that is also the realisation of what i'm missing when they are not with me as they are going to be with W for 2 weeks now.
The letter is similar to your text in some ways, what i would need to reconcile and if she is sure this is the direction she wants to go. I am going to be making a decision on our house in the nest few weeks if I'm buying her out or selling it. We have not long built it and I put a lot of work into it myself so I am finding it difficult.
In some ways, I think it's a thought of closure to me because I have been struggling in a bit of limbo the last couple of months. I have been out meeting new people and enjoying myself but missing my kids.
At the beginning of this my W was on script but the last few months it has been very different. She pushes things and threatens with legal action etc but when I have pushed back firmly without the confrontation, it's like she goes into hiding. One of the laws here is that she can charge me 'rent' for her half of the house she is not living in. She came at me with this treat of legal action if I didn't pay this amount to her by this date. I informally wrote her an email stating that she had missed her half of the house bills (taxes and water) and that I would only paying less than half of what she wanted. the missed payments by her covered the next 2 months of my 'rent'. I got no answer to this email, and when I got home today and checked the account she had put in the full amount she had been putting in previously.
One of complaints has been the controlling card, yet even now, she wants me to come up with all the plans. The kids, the house, the bills.
She won't deal with me in person, most of the time, she actually tried to avoid me just before we went on vacation. I needed a couple of things for the kids that were at her place and she tried to sneek up to the door to leave them off. I opened the door and gave her some of the food that would only have gone bad, didn't look like she knew what to do.
In what I have written, if she is sure, then I also put down how I want that to be. I don't want anymore of these late night texts and emails etc.
When I read these stories and see how difficult guys are having when they say their W looks great (especially the ones that seem to be involved with someone else) my W looks terrible to be honest. When she had depression before and cheated, she told how much it wrecked her. For me I see the same now, I know she has the ability to hermit and close herself away. I know she is not completely doing that but from some accounts she isn't very happy. However I know my W and she is extremly stubborn to recognise and admit her own faults. I think like you said, it would be more of opening the door a little and see what happens. The downside if she doesn't give me any kind of answer then I'm still in the same boat which is why it's still sitting here.
Had a bad night last night, dropped something off to W on the way to the gym. Some conversation to organise a few things and I had been feeling ok. However, I blacked out in front of W coming to lying on her entrance to her apartment. Managed to walk away and sit down for awhile, W came over saying she would drive me home but I just wanted to wait and recover myself. She talked a little more, I talked more than I meant but think that was also to do with the aftereffects. W still says she broke, that we both broke in different ways but she has no interest in working things out and fixing herself. She went back in and I got myself home. Didn't sleep well at all, Dad phoned me at 4am because W had sent him a message and tried to call him saying she was concerned about the father of her children.
In work this morning but not very productive, I have been suffering from Chronic Stress for a couple of years now and do manage to get it under control mostly. Big step backward last night though.
I was doing ok a few weeks ago, felt really good but know my head is still too busy trying to fix this. Need to get back to before and focus more on me. I have been too focused on still trying to look after the full family rather than just my smaller one of me and the kids.
Been struggling with missing my kids, even though it's only been a few days, after having them for 3 weeks straight. Know because of this my head has been busy in fix it mode trying to find the solution but at the same time telling myself that I can't fix her or this. Even though the kids didn't seem to be affected, I felt hurt for them that W only spoke to them once in 20 days. She only wants to talk to them when it suits her or when I have told her ahead of time that they will call. If they call at a random time, she doesn't answer. I still can't believe how distant she can be towards our kids and not see it herself.
She asked me the other night if the kids tell me about the things they do with her. I don't remember if I answered but they rarely tell me anything they do. They tell me that they spend time with other families which confuses S7 as he doesn't understand why we can't be our own family.
I also ended up telling her something from the past that I hadn't told her before. That a number of years ago when we struggled before and I had questions about my feelings towards W, I had a female friend when I travelled with work that listened and understood me better than W. On one visit she then said she wanted to be more than friends which I turned down and then never saw or spoke to her again. I don't know why it came out other than my head wasn't very clear after passing out.
Went out today with the meetup group I have joined and did a 20km hike. Exercise felt really good but still struggling with the emotional stuff. Guy I was with also went through a divorce several years ago so ended up talking a bit too much about our experiences. He feels W is depressed and needs an intervention but knows there is nothing I can do about it.
Gotta keep going forward with myself and keep working on the emotional detachment. To stop trying to find a way of fixing this and step back with more patience in the process.
One of the other things my W said the other day is that we need to become the best versions of ourselves. That she is happy to see me working at becoming the best version of myself but she broke and has no desire to work on us.
Just gotta keep getting better in myself and learn to have more patience. Remember to take the time given to me and make me better, keep on keeping on.
Struggling a bit today again. I think as I look back on this, my W has been distant for over 2 years now. It's something I had felt over this time and tried to talk to her about it but was always dismissed. She has built this network of work friends who are mostly all single or have no children. Before we made this move, our friends were all in similar stages of life. Similar ages with young children.
In the last 2 and half years, I have done probably 80% of the school/daycare activities and doctors appointments for the children. She normally hasn't turned up for them and when she doesn't have the kids has not turned up to any of their meetings or sports tournaments.
I'm struggling a bit too that I have some opportunities to move, I won't move without my children but I know they would be better with me. I have been trying to decide if I talk to my W about me moving away with the children. She can then have her free spirit lifestyle with her single friends.
Sorry you are struggling.People will come with words of wisdom.Until then best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Thank you roist, I'm struggling a bit to figure out what's best for me and the kids. Like I mentioned earlier, I look back and see my W growing distant on me and the kids over the last couple of years. I look back and see how me and the kids all felt it and started clinging to her more, feeing her moving away. The kids became very needy towards her and as I broke down, I know I did too. I know why she felt suffocated and it was from all of us. She feels it's just space from me that she is enjoying but I've still seen the disconnect to the children but I don't think she realizes that part. She hasn't been to one activity of the children's since she moved out. She has taken S7 to his football training most of the days as it fell on her day but other than that she hasn't gone to his tournaments or to his last day of school or D3 last day of kindergarten festival.
