I was about to launch into another tirade about my WWs errant and dishonest behavior. I was going to go into gory detail, and prove how I know what she is doing. then I came across this recent post of mine, which I am shamelessly quoting below. The jist: I must stop focusing on her behavior. True, it is affecting my children and I have a burning desire to spill the beans to my children, but none of that would be productive or beneficial to my children. Instead, I just document it. Perhaps one day, the information will be needed; but not today. Another option is to try to lay down a boundary, but since it would be unenforceable, it would not technically be a boundary. So forget that.
Quote:
Regarding the lies, I need to stop focusing on them. I can lament the lying forever, but it does me no good. I need to accept that there are liars in the world, among them my WW. With every lie, she degrades herself and her self esteem. When there is finally an accounting (in this world or the next), she will have lots of explaining to do. Letting her lies hurt me and trying to catch her in her lies is a waste of time. Worse, it is counter-productive. I re-read ericmsant2's The STAR is inside of you. I think I should read it daily. I think every DBer should read it daily. Focusing on my WW's lies, focusing on my WW at all, distracts me from the real work I have to do on myself. Similarly, anger also distracts me from the REAL WORK. Focusing on WW's behavior and being angry both have FEAR at their root. I need to get over my fears and accept that I cannot control the outcome of anything. In short, let go, and let G-d.
Update: my new L is not a contentious bulldog, but he is pragmatic, and he seems much more focused on the steps needed to get me out of in-house separation. Every day in the house with my WW is painful. My kids feel the stress and S12 actually told me he is looking forward to a time when WW and I are no longer in the same house. He just finds it very stressful and awkward. As much as I try to put a smile on my face and be civil - and I do try, believe me - he can feel the tension. I have found a place that is not too far from our current house - S12 was very excited about it. I think it has given him some hope. I think my kids are more fearful of the unknown than anything else. He had read a book wherein the parents divorced and the father moved across the country. He was secretly fearing this, probably all this time.
Gratitude: I have five beautiful children that love me. I love them right back. I still have so much support from family and friends. I have my job. I am in good physical shape. I don't have any physical pain currently - except after a good workout. Considering my sitch, I am in good emotional shape too, albeit a bit scuffed and scraped. I have a steady income. No matter how much I have to give up to WW and her scheming OM and family, their award is temporary, but I will have an income afterwards. It's just money, right? I am also grateful that I don't have any addictions that are eating up my time, energy, and resources. I am master of my domain. I was addicted to self-pity for a while, but as I have said before: there are plenty of other people who would kill to have my problems. My problems are temporary and inside of me there is a soul that will shine again. I am attractive, employed, honest, and intelligent, and I can reasonably look forward to a time when I will be able to share my life and be intimate with someone again in a real relationship. I am not sure my WW, with the baggage she has created for herself, will be able to do the same. Not my circus, not my monkeys.
Best to all,
RAI
P.S. I wonder if my children will ever see a post like this. I think it would make them feel good to see what a hero their dad has become. P.S. I am going to re-read ericmsant2's "The STAR is inside of you"
