Yup, it stands for Rising Above It - V

[RAI]

Quick update. Still in the midst of in house separation. Very unpleasant. Nevertheless, very busy with work. Finally switching L. Hope it helps accelerate the process. In house separation s**ks.
Thankful for my awesome family. For my trainer. That I have money to purchase healthy food. That I have a job that is stimulating and pays the bills. That I have faith that this is just a dark period in my life, but that I know it will pass. That I am growing from the experience. That I have a strong feeling that my true love is still out there waiting for me.

Sorry I have not been by lately. Hope all the DBers are doing OK. So many unfamiliar posters. Thankful to have this community.

Best,

RAI

[roist]

Good outlook. Best wishes

[RAI]

Good outlook. Best wishes

Thanks, roist.

I was about to launch into another tirade about my WWs errant and dishonest behavior. I was going to go into gory detail, and prove how I know what she is doing. then I came across this recent post of mine, which I am shamelessly quoting below. The jist: I must stop focusing on her behavior. True, it is affecting my children and I have a burning desire to spill the beans to my children, but none of that would be productive or beneficial to my children. Instead, I just document it. Perhaps one day, the information will be needed; but not today. Another option is to try to lay down a boundary, but since it would be unenforceable, it would not technically be a boundary. So forget that.

Regarding the lies, I need to stop focusing on them. I can lament the lying forever, but it does me no good. I need to accept that there are liars in the world, among them my WW. With every lie, she degrades herself and her self esteem. When there is finally an accounting (in this world or the next), she will have lots of explaining to do. Letting her lies hurt me and trying to catch her in her lies is a waste of time. Worse, it is counter-productive. I re-read ericmsant2's The STAR is inside of you. I think I should read it daily. I think every DBer should read it daily. Focusing on my WW's lies, focusing on my WW at all, distracts me from the real work I have to do on myself. Similarly, anger also distracts me from the REAL WORK. Focusing on WW's behavior and being angry both have FEAR at their root. I need to get over my fears and accept that I cannot control the outcome of anything. In short, let go, and let G-d.

Update: my new L is not a contentious bulldog, but he is pragmatic, and he seems much more focused on the steps needed to get me out of in-house separation. Every day in the house with my WW is painful. My kids feel the stress and S12 actually told me he is looking forward to a time when WW and I are no longer in the same house. He just finds it very stressful and awkward. As much as I try to put a smile on my face and be civil - and I do try, believe me - he can feel the tension. I have found a place that is not too far from our current house - S12 was very excited about it. I think it has given him some hope. I think my kids are more fearful of the unknown than anything else. He had read a book wherein the parents divorced and the father moved across the country. He was secretly fearing this, probably all this time.

Gratitude: I have five beautiful children that love me. I love them right back. I still have so much support from family and friends. I have my job. I am in good physical shape. I don't have any physical pain currently - except after a good workout. Considering my sitch, I am in good emotional shape too, albeit a bit scuffed and scraped. I have a steady income. No matter how much I have to give up to WW and her scheming OM and family, their award is temporary, but I will have an income afterwards. It's just money, right? I am also grateful that I don't have any addictions that are eating up my time, energy, and resources. I am master of my domain. I was addicted to self-pity for a while, but as I have said before: there are plenty of other people who would kill to have my problems. My problems are temporary and inside of me there is a soul that will shine again. I am attractive, employed, honest, and intelligent, and I can reasonably look forward to a time when I will be able to share my life and be intimate with someone again in a real relationship. I am not sure my WW, with the baggage she has created for herself, will be able to do the same. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

Best to all,

RAI

P.S. I wonder if my children will ever see a post like this. I think it would make them feel good to see what a hero their dad has become.
P.S. I am going to re-read ericmsant2's "The STAR is inside of you"

[RAI]

I was going to vent about all the nasty things WWs bully L just implied about me in his email to my L today. Instead, I am going to focus on things for which I am grateful and come back to my center.

It does not pay to get upset because it does not change my sitch for the better. On the contrary, every time I get angry or upset at something that happens, I am really saying that I am in control of things and I deny G-d's providence in all of this. See my previous post about anger - it is also detrimental to my health. I saw an awesome thread about gratitude on the board here, but I have not had a chance to visit yet. I will bolster my gratitude attitude here for now.

1) I was able to find time to talk to my Mother immediately after the above missive email. Many people my age no longer have a mother to talk to or confide in and wish they still could. Others have poor relationships with their mother and cannot confide in them. I love my Mother very much. She is a kind and patient person. She has put up with my antics and has loved me unconditionally from the day I was born and still takes time to listen to me. She is wise and offers good advice. She is a widow (I miss my dad very much), so she knows about and identifies with the loneliness I feel right now. She is also a tough woman, having gone through travails in her life. I may not have enough time to see my shrink, but I have a mother, and that has made all the difference. I am so thankful that G-d has kept her in my life.

2) I am getting better at dealing with things using my intellect instead of my emotions. I have written and erased multiple emails that would have betrayed my emotions, would not have improved my sitch, would have weakened my position, and would run up L fees. It is WWs Ls job to try to irritate me. By my getting irritated, he wins. I have done nothing wrong in this process. I am simply trying to protect my interests and those of my children. All my actions should be directed towards this end. There is no reason for me to be ashamed, feel guilty, or become defensive. I get this now. If my wife tries to besmirch my good name, it will only rub off on her and her camp. I love me.

3) This experience is making me a better person. No question about it. I am more appreciative of things. I am tougher. I am more resilient. I am more sympathetic to the plight of others. I feel like more of a man. My family has noticed a tangible change in me. Once I am no longer in the presence of my WW, I will feel the burden lifted. I think every DBer wants their Ws to notice their changes, but every day I care less and less what she thinks. I wonder if I should migrate over to the "surviving the big D" forum. Any suggestions? Should I wait to the end of this thread - that could take months - at this rate.

4) Had a little chest pain from the stress. Not organic. Just tightness due to the stress of the email. I have a comedy show to go to tonight. Gonna dress to kill and wear some fiiine cologne. chest pain is already resolving. I am learning that we can choose to focus on the negative or the positive. What we focus on CREATES our reality. this point was made very well by someone I admire a lot: When you are driving down the street, you don't focus on everything - road signs, trees, the sun, how many times your heart is beating per minute, what you ate for breakfast, how much saliva is in your mouth, etc... you only focus on a few things at a time, e.g. the road signs, your speed, pedestrians, the road itself. In that moment, those things create your reality. I don't need to focus on Ls letter. I have already replied to it. As I have said before: "SW^3/N = Some will, some won't, so what - Next". What a great equation. Rising above it. That's what it is all about.

5) I have fears about what life will be like after I move out or what will happen next or what stunt my W will pull next. 99% of my fears never materialized. I just need to read "The star in inside YOU" over and over and over again. I am so thnakful for this post. As I have said countless times - every LBS should read this oh-so-empowering post.

6) I am not so back up at work as I feared. I have some paperwork to do, some phone calls to make, and I am juggling a lot, and even dropping some balls, but there has not been anything calamitous at work. It has been my own feelings of inadequacy at work that have made things seem worse than they are. I am a good doctor. Sure, I sometimes don't call my patients back fast enough, sometimes I am delinquent in my charting, sometimes I make the wrong decision, sometimes I am inefficient. NONE OF THIS MATTERS IN THE GRAND SCHEME OF THINGS. No one ever lay on their deathbed and said "Boy, I wish I was less delinquent in my charting". I have had some excellent therapeutic alliances with my patients and their families. I have even met some fellow LBSs along the way.

Wow! These posts are so therapeutic. I can feel my tension dissolving with every word I type. I am also realizing, with all this affirmative talk, that I am pretty awesome.

In two days, it will be my 18th anniversary, which is also my 3-year anti-versary - BD was on my 15th wedding anniversary. I will have been "dealing" with this for exactly 3 years. When I look back at myself then, I was a weak shaky leaf. I think this post marks a tremendous milestone. Let's seen if I can keep the momentum going. I am a soul. I am not my past, I am not my profession, I am not my titles, I am not my achievements, I am not my mistakes. I am a soul.

Best to all,

RAI

P.S. I know it was a long post. It took me a long time to write, but it was the best 45 minutes of my day. I hope my children can read this one day and see how a real man reacts to perceived adversity. Makin' lots of lemonade.

[J5K]

RAI,

How are you? Man, I just read all your threads this morning.
We are going down the same path. High conflict D. Our STBX's entitlement is unbelievable.

Just want to let you know I am here for you and hope you are doing well.

[RAI]

Thanks JK. I changed Ls and I think I see a little tiny glimmer of hope. My previous L kept advising me to stay in the house. This ran counter to advice I had been getting from a lot of people, including friends, family, and other Ls that I knew. Everyone knows what a toll in-house separation is taking on me and my children. I just don't want to see W or any of the triggers anymore.

So I finally bit the bullet and switched Ls. It seems like I may be able to move out sooner than I had expected. I have a potential place chosen already. We will arrange for shared parenting. W seems more amenable to the parenting schedule I proposed. I have been disappointed so many times before, so I am not holding my breath, but I just don't want to be in the same house with her anymore.

Some have asked why I don't keep the house. I don't have a good answer. I think I would have a fight on my hands if I tried. I don't think that prolonging the D process and making it more contentious would be good for me or my children. The truth is that the house has OMs grimy prints all over it and a lot of bad memories. I don't know if this is sufficient grounds for NOT fighting for the house. I hope I am not making a huge mistake. Anyone have any thoughts?

On another note:

I hurt my H very badly. I thought about what I had done every single day. I would pray, cry, read, or whatever.......trying to forgive myself, b/c I had no peace in my soul. I learned that it is harder to forgive yourself than anyone else.

Every day & night........and all in between........something would trigger my mind to think of my betrayal. If I was at work or around anyone, I would silently tell myself that my H forgave me, and that God forgave me, and for me to not forgive myself was not what either (my H or God) wanted. I would silently pray or recite scripture to give me strength to get through that period.

I saw this on ATPeace's thread from Sandi. What is not clear to me is whether Sandi felt this way while she was still wayward or only once she had started to return from her waywardness. I suppose it does not make a huge difference anymore, but I often wonder if my WW feels this way. She gives no indication that she does, but it would at least make it easier for me to pity her if I knew that she actually has a conscience that is bothering her. Sandi, I don't know if you'll see this, but if you can weigh in that would be appreciated. Any other DBers have any thoughts about this?

RAI

[J5K]

RAI,

I can understand where you are coming from with the house thing. When I was forced to sell my home, the judge said 4 walls do not make a home. IMO, make a new home with your kids. Change isn't bad right? That is what we are trying to do anyway, change for the better. Changing a house should be miniscule compared to what we are changing within ourselves.

[SH_]

I saw this on ATPeace's thread from Sandi. What is not clear to me is whether Sandi felt this way while she was still wayward or only once she had started to return from her waywardness. I suppose it does not make a huge difference anymore, but I often wonder if my WW feels this way. She gives no indication that she does, but it would at least make it easier for me to pity her if I knew that she actually has a conscience that is bothering her. Sandi, I don't know if you'll see this, but if you can weigh in that would be appreciated. Any other DBers have any thoughts about this?

RAI,

I thought I would weigh in on this as I saw you had posted over on our friend Ghosts thread.

I would say you answered your own question in that it really does not make a difference when she felt that way as it is not for h or anyone else. It was for her. If I might take the liberty for speaking for sandi, her point was that she had to forgive herself for what she did. Forgiveness of herself, was/is for herself. Not her H, nor anyone else. The advice was to lame a point for Ghost as there is a struggle to forgive oneself and stay stranded.

My question to you is, why do you think that you would need to "pity" your W under any circumstance? Pity does not seem to be a good place to go or want to go. What value does that hold for you, her, or any relationship that you may have down the road.

I would caution you with this path of thought as it appears overly focused on your ww and assumptions of what she thinks, feels or does, with the goal to make you feel better about something.
I would say that in the place of trying to determine if she has a "conscience", you may choose to honor her struggle, regardless of anything she thinks or feels, while you maintain focus on you and your path forward to being the RAI only a fool would leave.

Just my 2c.

Be well this evening and feel the peace that a focused mind has when love is the choice, and living in the moment is the action.

[sandi2]

Originally Posted By: Sandi2
As a woman who betrayed the one man who loved her the most.......I can honestly tell you that you never forget what you did to your spouse, but you don't dwell on it all the time.

I hurt my H very badly. I thought about what I had done every single day. I would pray, cry, read, or whatever.......trying to forgive myself, b/c I had no peace in my soul. I learned that it is harder to forgive yourself than anyone else.

Every day & night........and all in between........something would trigger my mind to think of my betrayal. If I was at work or around anyone, I would silently tell myself that my H forgave me, and that God forgave me, and for me to not forgive myself was not what either (my H or God) wanted. I would silently pray or recite scripture to give me strength to get through that period.

Sandi - these words kind of shook me. Is it possible my WW is feeling this even as she is still completely wayward, or do these emotions only set in once the fog has lifted? I posed this question to you in my thread, but I know you have been posting here.

I am not caught up with your stitch, RAI. The post above that I wrote to Ghost was about my struggles in forgiving myself. This came after I finally was able to humbly apologize and ask for my H's forgiveness. I found it hard, but easier than forgiving myself.

The H of a wayward wife, needs to understand that she is not going to experience those feelings I described above, until she feels true remorse for her attitudes and actions against him. Sorry if I failed to communicate that part.

[Cherry]

Just reading your thread, I'm not too caught up on your sitch. But I find you're in a great state of mind- and your post about not focusing on her lies and instead thinking about what you are greatful for, it really spoke volumes to me. I'm in the midst of wh filing for divorce and moving out. And I'm struggling to hold in and keep check of the emotions (I'm gonna put some of this blame onto the pregnancy hormones :P). But you made me realise I have to begin to focus on me. Accept that, amongst all the other liars and shameless people in the world, he is just another.

In house seperation is awful. I'm just completely ignored. Won't look, won't speak to me. He treats me like I'm the most worthless person in the world. And I'm not standing for that.