The sorrow of it all

[Dawgs]

It's been a long time since I have posted or even logged in. Things are running way to fast for me now. By this time next week the papers will be signed and it will all be done.

I'm freaking out over the holidays. My kids are still so young and believe in Santa. And they still believe in us as a family. I can't imagine not going to bed with them and their excitement over Christmas Eve, or watching them wake up to see what's under the tree. I'm so scared that this will destroy their innocence and childhood.

You know, at least I can say I tried to make this work and save the marriage. I'm not saying the advice here was bad, in fact it was the opposite - there are some great and wonderful people here...maybe it's just that my situation was so unique that the things I tried and the advice I followed was counter-productive. Who knows.

But, as they say, all good things come to an end. I miss my wife and I know I'll live on without her as I must for my kids sake. Everything is about them. Everything. I try to speak well of her to them, and that's a hard thing to do given what transpired toward the end of our marriage. Sigh. Maybe one day.

One thing I realized is that I lost who I am. I don't even know that anymore. I'm just trying to be the best Dad I can be. That's all I can do. She took the best part of me and crushed it under her heel. And I've done many things that I regret since Christmas and used some very nice people for some not-so-nice things. It's almost like in some way I've become what I resented. I don't even know who I am anymore. Hope? Funny thing about that, I still am holding onto hope that this marriage will somehow restart. I told her that maybe we should stop this and try again and the response was "why drag out the inevitable? It will only hurt the children in the long run."

Its funny how hopes and dreams are smashed just like a bug on a windshield. I was blindsided at her request for a divorce. I was blindsided of the affair and the revealing of her childhood abuse. And for over a year I tried to practice the advice from this board - oh I managed to detach just fine and such and only have contact concerning the kids - something which she was more than fine with.

She was my best friend and truly the love of my life. And in some form she still is and always will be. I miss her more than I ever thought possible. I never wanted divorce, even after finding out about the affair. I hate all the reminders that pop up about the past. I hate FB and its reminders when old pics/posts pop up. Most of all, I hate myself for destroying this marriage. Looking back, I fully realize my mistakes in the marriage. I take the blame for my part. It's just that I never knew of her abuse and all she has suffered until after she said its over. Looking back, with that info in mind, there are so many things that I could have done differently. And that's a cross I have to bear and it weighs oh so heavily on my soul.

There have been some great people whom I have met, and re-met so to speak. I've been asked out quite a few times and turned them all down or used them very unfavorably. I hate myself for that, too. Maybe another time or place, but not in the future I see. The idea of even getting back into the dating world almost turns my stomach. I can't even fathom that, nor do I care for another relationship. Will that change in time? Who knows, but not now. There is a lot of bitterness and my trust in others has so utterly been destroyed that I may not ever recover from it.

So here I am. On the eve of the final crushing of my dreams and life as I know it. Just want to be the best Dad I can in such a f'd up world.