Thank you so much for coming to my rescue once again. I got so much good advices on this board. I can't even express in words what a difference it made and is making in my life.
Being busy with myself, kids, work and life in general, made me forget the whole MLC storm and what are the steps to really get better from this horrible process.
I confess that when he told me that he still loves me and that he can't take me from his heart, it was not a shock. It was a bomb of excitement. I didn't realize how it rocked my world at that little instant.
My XH was never a man of too many words. He talks in circles and it is worse now. I am the opposite, I like talking about everything. I like explaining things and I normally like to understand situations with all the words.
But, I get that this is a process and there are some details we can pay attention and try, at least try to do the right thing.
Since I came a long way to get myself more detached (not 100% from the inside), I feel a little more at peace with myself on letting go on this one too.
After reading your advices and real life stories like Zephyr ad LouR, I realize that I need to dig deep for "PATIENCE".
Yes, I guess I hate this word too. Patience with XH, with kids, with the pace of my life, with work. Wow, never even tough I would be so patient.
But I have been learning and I will let him lead. Let things happen as they happen without pressure. I also realized that I have a lot to do on my own related to my life. I have some things I want to do and it will be better if I do while he is not around.
I also realized that saying to him that I think we should date and go out as boyfriend/girlfriend was a lot for him to digest. Maybe he will run away, maybe not. We will see.
He was at my house last night. I wasn't there as I was in class at our church. While in a house he called me and then I texted him that I was in a class and he texted back apologizing. He told S19 that he was looking for the baseball glove cream because he will play some softball with his work buddies.
I still don't call him for any stupid excuse, I call only if it very important and about the kids, what is very seldom. The R talks need to stop and it is kind of hard when he always goes back to the subject, so I feel I need to work on some exit ways to avoid those talks but also not be rude.
I have a get together with my divorce group on Friday night, just the girls. Then Saturday I will joined the church group in a mission to distribute food for the poor in our area. Saturday afternoon I am going out with a friend that became a widow very recently and is going through a hard time. She may come and sleep at my house.
So, I am pretty busy. I am not sure how to handle this. If he comes up with some stuff for the days I am busy, I don't know if I just tell him I can't because I have some commitments or if I agree to go out with him and cancel the other stuff, what won't be a big deal.
By other hand, I don't want to stop my life or even change it around just because he pops up. I worked too hard on not have expectations and let go and I don't want to go back into the hole again.
Sometimes, when I think about it all, it feels so much easier to just let go on it all. This what is happening is like a shower of all what happen before. I even catch myself wondering if what I feel for him is love or something else.
In a few words... I AM AFRAID... SCARED TO DEATH.
I am afraid to hope, because he may be just playing around. I am afraid to trust, love. There are so much mixed feelings now.
This is a hard week too. I will be dropping my kid at college tomorrow morning and it is a bitter sweet feeling. I feel proud and happy and I feel sad and anxious. XH will be at my house by 6am tomorrow to help with the moving. There is a part of me that likes that and there is a part of me that knows we have a broken family right now. Oh well, I will make the most of it because my kid deserve a nice time in his life. It is not about me, it is about S19 now.
I will keep on the friend zone. Not move a finger to get things my way. I will let him lead, if he wants too. I won't stop my own life.
I will also try to read DR, DB and some other material I have on MLC again next week. Just to refresh my mind about these aliens behaviors.
The good thing about all this is that there is still a lot of respect between us. We care for each other as a person first and that may be a plus in this time of our lives.
Again thank you so much and I will ask that if you can, please continue with me in this journey. At this point in time, many of my family and friends think that I am disrespecting myself, letting him walk over my head, not caring about my own life, and blah, blah, blah.
They even say that I have no "balls" to ask XH to take his stuff out of the garage.
I still believe that as human beings we lose it sometimes and we make mistakes we later regret. No one is perfect, I look back and I see a lot of my own flaws. So why to judge someone, why not believe that like me, people can change?
Love you all and thank you so much for your love for me, a person with no face that you came to rescue.
