Newby here, desperate for some advice (thread 3)

[JRuss]

Altair -- other than a little gray hair at the temples and some wrinkles around my eyes, I look (and feel, at least physically, mentally not so much) better than I have at any time since I first met my W 20+ years ago. When adjusted for age, I'm easily looking the best I have in 25 years. Now, I'd gotten pretty jiggly and lost confidence for a long, long time due to not eating right and not exercising regularly, so the amount of improvement is directly related to the lack of effort previously, but the transformation has been significant. It doesn't seem to have had any effect, unfortunately.

I think walkaways/waywards stop seeing who is in front of them and only see what they saw back when they were falling out of love. They sort of close their eyes/mind/heart off at the point they check out, despite the improvements, work, etc. their now terrified spouse is putting in to stop being the spouse that contributed to the marital problems. Maybe they don't trust the changes; maybe they don't care because they're so far gone and down the emotional road. In any event, I get the sense that they see only the old us.

It [censored], and getting to where I don't care, at least not nearly as much, has been completely mystifying. I read again and again from very well meaning folks here that "you need to detach". The how is what I still haven't gotten. There's no switch to hit and just make it happen. I think maybe you just finally get sick of not being valued or seen, and you just become a walkaway yourself, and you move on, like our spouses did to us. But then DBing would say to remain open to a R. Threading that needle seems impossible to me.

albac -- my W is very fit, petite (5'3", 110 lbs, maybe), and I think she is beautiful, but she's not a classic "beauty". I think she feels time is slipping away before her looks go (I disagree), and she's antsy to use that time to her advantage. Hence the 2 year slow ride into D. That gives her cover w/r/t any suggestion she didn't have the kids' best interest at heart, and she's probably figuring she'll still be sufficiently alluring to attract the next guy(s) at 46 or so whenever she moves out/on.