Having such a nice H makes it VERY hard. Not to mention he loves hanging out together, wants to do vacations and holidays, does something thoughtful here and there....aside from confusing me, it makes me feel cruel and yes, guilty that it's just not enough. It's my biggest struggle! Is it so bad? It could be so much worse, right? It makes me feel a bit crazy at times, but I want so much more. Not just for me, but for S.
the things that keep going through my head are the hard cold facts:
He doesn't want me He does things with us, but only when it fits his schedule He has spent over 45k so far to live in a dump He continues to blame me And most of all, he treats me like I owe him
Honestly HW, I think H does not want ANY kind of relationship. I think he is very happy in his life right now. He works, has his son only a few days a week, and the rest of the time he has his space and time to do whatever he wants. By leaving, his responsibilities cut in half. He has no fear of losing me because he doesn't want me. And we get along so well, his STBX is actually his friend. Plus, I take care of everything else. Why would he ever want to leave that??? It's actually pretty brilliant, I can't blame him.
And why initiate D? Who wants to deal with that drama and work? Why would he need to?
So that leaves me. What do I do with that? I could be mean and angry, but that's not my style and not how I feel. I could go file and disrupt his world, but why would I? I get enough money from him to stay in my home and still live comfortably. I am able to spend time together as a family, which I enjoy. I have my health benefits in place, a handyman when I need, someone willing to pitch in for house updates, a couple of free nights a week to connect with friends....so why would I mess with that? I don't plan to unless I need to...
So why do I feel so restless? Why can't I just enjoy this? That I don't know....It could be knowing we are only avoiding D because of the convenience of the current sitch. I am sure we could both agree on that! I don't think H has ever even considered working things out with me and I just now have gotten on the same page.
So there you have it, that is my life. Not sure what will happen when one of us gets involved with someone else, it's an unsettling thought...we are definitely not the normal MLC scenario. I do not think H is sad or unhappy, I think his guilt he talks about comes from being happy and not being able to cut the cord because it is just working too well for him. And here I am, not much better.
What would you do if you were in my shoes??
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
