More confused than before

[Buxom]

Altair, thanks for the female observations! And thanks for stopping by!
I totally see your points about H being so touchy and assuming an attack.
Yes, there are times I feel like we are back in time. When he's having a good day and relaxed I can almost forget the A. Feels good. Who wouldn't want that again? We were best friends and even during the A1 he never wanted to leave. When she cheated on him and she moved on to another victim, that's when it got bad with drinking etc. He pursued her and I got blamed, eventually, for her not coming back to him. Seems like a lifetime ago.

[Altair]

You gotta love the blame. Especially the retro-fitted blame.

[Buxom]

Soto, u are the hardest to reply to cos it hurts that in many ways you are right. I know I have every right to leave him and D him etc. I'm not ready. I have not done everything yet, and I'm not ready to do ultimatums. I was in severe denial for years cos what we had was so good for so long and when I felt him sliding away I became super wife and did all the wrong, nice girl things. Wish I had not been so naive and in denial for so long. But I was and the veil of denial lifted only a little over a month ago. I've been dbing since before that.
You should also know that in Canada, you can't kick someone e out of the house or keep them out once they leave. I did ask him to leave on June 25 when we had a big blow out fight and D was his trump card. I handled it pouring with defensiveness and reacting. I've been Mich more successful dbing since. He has noticed and doesn't trust it. He's also add I Ted and now that he's off booze, addiction transfer to food and texting,sexting is his new drug. He gets that. We talked about it.

I know I may be taken for a fool and there may come a point where I'll do the hard line. I have to be fully ready and willing to accept my consequences of what I do. I know I am enmeshed and I need to work on my codependent nature.

Another factor is WH is just starting IC for his incest and gender issues. I promised I would walk that with him. A lot of the current issues will come up in the IC and better dealt with there than having more tension at home. My reasoning. I am creating a zone of safety here for all of us and the lighthouse can't he the fight house. If I'm still being naive, I accept that. I truly appreciate people coming to be on my side and I love that you shared your thots. It may still happen. I just won't do anything before its time.

[Buxom]

Altair, yup the rewriting history. In clear spells he knows he's to blame and accepts total responsibility, then goes into a pity party and down the rabbit hole again. He's said he feels guilty just looking at me sometimes and thinks he can never make it up to me. That's scary to me cos I do want him to try. He may want to take what thinks is the easy way out. I told him we each have to deal with all that's happened whether together or not, and I'd rather sort thru once and for all together.

What's your sitch Altair?

[Altair]

No affair to deal with (yet). I have no way to snoop so through bits and bobs and what he tells me from time to time it sounds like he's been partying in bars all summer with his friends (most of whom are not single FWIW but do love the beer). Obviously irritating because when we were together, he was an earlybird, said we shouldn't go out too much, etc. Said he needed to cut down on drinking in like April (!) Either way, he's not very attractive right now. But he chose to leave and go on an apparent bender of sorts. Not something I wish I was a part of, I'd LOVE to call him out on all of his hypocrisies right now but there's no point. The H I loved would have had a beer then come home and dinner and a movie. That guy, is in 2015 I think, speaking of time.

[Buxom]

You bring up a good point. They aren't very attractive right now. That helps. It also helps that you say, "I'd LOVE to call him out on all of his hypocrisies right now but there's no point." I feel the same way.

[Buxom]

I had an awesome opportunity to snoop thru his computer today, but I didn't do it. It was unlocked while it was downloading.
I've decided to focus on my codependent stuff for a while and not him. I'm getting really tired of everything being about him.

[Altair]

That's great. don't snoop. make it about you. who cares what he is doing, right?

[Sotto]

Hi Buxom, I'm really pleased to read this...

"I've decided to focus on my codependent stuff for a while and not him. I'm getting really tired of everything being about him."

I think the best way to get through situations like ours are to really work on our own codependency, build independence and detachment. All of which can be done whilst standing for the M. But I don't think much of a true R/M can be had with someone who is in the place where many WAS's/WS's on this site are.

And to keep the focus on him whilst he's doing some of the stuff he's doing is just torture IMHO. I'm not suggesting you give up on your M for a moment - it's more around you putting yourself first and knowing that you will be fine either way (shedding the codependent skin) as so many of us need to do..

So, how are you going to move forward with looking at this my friend...do you have some goals in mind?

Good luck with things and I will be cheering you on :)x

[Buxom]

Thanks Soto and Altair.
I have IC appt this morning. Barely slept. Awake since 4:30 am so only five hours sleep. I took meds too. May have to nap in the car before the two hour ride home.
Feel nervous today like flying without a net. Alanon today too and hope to get more insight into detachment. They are all about self preservation. Half are into kick him out and half are, you can still have a good R and M.