10 Years Later - From a DB'er

[DonH]

You guys are so awesome! Lots of great stuff for me again. I'll try to respond to some of them. I will also include my latest profile at the end.

SOTO - "the current online arrangements are really working for you and perhaps it's time to knock that one on the head and follow a different path." - Clearly it's not and getting worse. Now I don't put a lot of time in at this point anymore and that may be it but I've sort of already given up. To be honest the last four women I went out with did not come from online. It almost seems like the older I get/the longer I've tried, the less dates I even get from online.

SOTO - "why not just suspend the desire to meet someone else for now, take the pressure off and just enjoy going with the flow on a solo basis." While I don't disagree with you, that's what I was pretty much doing from 2009-2013. How do I get to the top of the mountain if I stop climbing?

SOTO - "So, I think it could be worth taking the focus off dating, stepping back and focusing on some of the spiritual, internal stuff - how am I feeling and why, what messages am I giving myself. How am I looking after myself and nourishing my own soul etc..." That's sort of what I'm doing in a way by coming back here. I guess it's the frustration of it all that's really gotten me down the most. This should also just not be this hard - and this frustrating! But again, I have to ask if I want to climb a mountain and that's my goal, how am I working towards my goal by suspending my climb?

MAYBELL - "There is almost certainly nothing wrong with you but if a lot of your dissatisfaction bleeds out with your dates as it does here, that would be something to examine and get under control." I went on a date a few years ago like you describe. She was so negative about anything and everything! I finally couldn't take it anymore and pretty much beyond my control, "I gotta go" bust out of my mouth in mid sentence. LOL. So I hear you. Thing is, I don't think that's me and sadly all but one of the dates did not go to a second because of my choice. Even the one I would have went out with a second time very likely was not a fit either - just enough of one for a second date had she been interested. So I'm not saying THEY are not interested in a second date - as much or more of the time, I'm not interested. This really is a double edged problem I have here. While I most certainly struggle to find women who are interested in me, I find it even harder to locate women with whom I'm interested - even when I am trying to accept those beyond my typical or my comfort zone. But to answer your question, I'm not at all saying the things on dates that I'm saying here - not at all. I just focus on having fun and being myself.

MAYBELL - "But you have to invest yourself in being ready when it shows up." And if I'm not a complex case as it is, this is my next fear. I really hope that after all of this I will appreciate just how rare it is for me to find someone I'm interested in and then who is also interested in me. I fully acknowledged however that it is very possible what you are saying could happen - I won't be ready when or in my case if it shows up. I hope I am and I'm trying to be but it is a concern.

KML - "You might have to contacts dozens....even hundreds..... Before getting a good response. And you can't take it personally." I fully acknowledged I am not putting a huge amount of time in OLD. That is both good and bad from how I see it in that those of you saying I should take a break, just let it happen, not try so hard, well in a way I already am doing that. I don't spend several hours each day going through the profiles - it's more like several hours a week. Again, I've not had a date from online all year - and it's August. They have all been from in person meetings.

KML - "I stopped replying to people I wasn't interested in btw, because no matter how polite I was about it, too many wrote back with angry messages. So don't be upset if someone just doesn't answer." I've heard this a lot. You'll see below I even put it in my profile. I'm very careful not to do it myself but I do fully get that many women won't respond at all due to bad previous experiences like you report.

PAINTER - "I wonder if you really want a R. Sometimes we think we want something but we don't really. I ask because you say that you have found someone but you feel it is impossible due to distance. Why is it impossible for you to pursue this? Is it a 10 hour flight or drive?" 10 hour drive. Let's be honest, long distance R's are difficult. That being said, it's not ME but HER who doesn't want to try the long distance thing. I met her when I was in her hometown with a band I was performing with. At first she said we could be "pen-pals" and was pretty firm not even consider anything else. She then came to Chicago for work (I'm near Milwaukee) and we went on our first date - and had a great time. We've gone out several times since and keep in touch on a pretty regular basis. I was hoping things would continue but she was widowed 4 years ago and I'm not sure she is fully ready. On top of it, she's only dated one guy more than once. Her D17 saw some text messages from the guy and FREAKED OUT. She was a daddy's girl and the thought of her mom dating someone was too much. So she does all she can to keep this out of her daughter's view - which makes it even all that much harder. I'd totally go spend some weekends with her but can't due the D situation. She, by far, is the nicest lady I've met in many years. I would love to see what might happen but that ball is in her court. She actually seems to have been reaching out more the past couple months so perhaps change will come? Who knows. I can just tell you I'd be happy to try and made that known. She is not.

GINGER1 - "You had made a mention of where there was a responsive woman, but YOU didn't feel the chemistry. Well, that's not a fail." You are correct and I could give you a list of others. This is what makes my sitch, hell my life, even that much more complicated as I feel like I'm looking for lightening to strike. It's not only finding someone who is interested in me, but who I'm interested in as well. I'm not willing to settle. I'd still rather be happy by myself than miserable or even less than happy with someone else. I am very independent. I've always been very good at being on my own. I don't NEED someone - far from it. I do however WANT to have someone - and when I say WANT someone, I mean, just to do things with, travel with, spend weekends with. I would do casual and occasional right up through regular or permanent.

GINGER1 - "re: replying to emails. I get many many many emails on these sites." And I get NONE!!!!!! Why is that? Is it just because I'm a guy? Okay, I can't say I get none but I can say I get next to none and I've gotten none from anyone that is of even a little bit of interest to me. The few I get are either from scammers or from women who are sooooo far from anything I'd even begin to consider a match it's not even funny. I can only imagine having that problem - too many emails that I can't even respond. That's such a foreign concept to me I can't even tell you.

GEORGABELLE - "There are many flaky people out there. You just have to accept that culturally it is common and not get bogged down in thinking you are the cause of it." This too is part of the challenge - I totally agree. I just had this conversation with a friend where I said "Why can't I just find a normal woman?" This is part of the frustration. It's not at all that I'm finding these seemingly great ladies who are not interested. Not at all the case - I'm finding tons of misfits that I have zero interest in. Again, the 10 hours away lady that I'd love to date and I had this discussion when we first met - it's sort of what connected us. She calls OLD "the land of misfit toys"

GEORGABELLE - "I also read the words "picky" and "won't settle." Again, I think we have turned settling into a bad thing. We ALL settle on certain things or at least something. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US." No one is perfect. There are always going to be things that I may "settle" for. What I'm saying is if it gets to the point that I'd rather be by myself than with this person, it's just not worth it. That's what I'm trying to say I will not do. If I would rather have my current situation rather than be with this person, it's not worth it.

Just because I didn't respond to the many other great comments doesn't mean I didn't read or even use them. So, thanks again to all of you.

And now, by popular request, here is, the latest OLD profile. I've changed it probably a dozen times over the past two years. In general it's shorter now than in previous months. I've tried a variety of things - more specifics, less specifics, more about me, less about me, etc. So this is just the latest version but will give you a pretty good idea. So go ahead, let me know what you think! I will also try to see if I can find a few of the previous versions as well. Also, keep in mind that this OLD site separately lists interests, hobbies, stats, etc. so that's why they are not duplicated in the profile narrative.

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Thanks for stopping by to take a look! I’m an extremely honest, very reliable, sarcastically funny, diversely accomplished, guy. I'm pretty laid back and easy going. I'm told I'm pretty funny but you do have to get my sarcasm for that to be the case. We (my friends and I) do laugh a lot, I do know that. There may be some occasional eye rolling too.

I would love to meet someone fun, compatible, smart and interesting, to do things with. That's first on the list. From there, who knows? I'm really open to just about anything but rarely rush into it. I'm totally fine with casual, with the same person, as well. I'm pretty sure that whatever is meant to be is what will happen - eventually. I tend to connect best with someone comfortable and confident in themselves who is more on the out-going side. I really do have a great life already. I just want to improve on that, especially when it comes to travel, going out, good conversation, spending time together, etc. I've never been the type of guy who "needs" a girlfriend or can't be alone - not even close. I'm very good at taking what comes and that would include being lucky enough to find someone who is the right fit. Hope that all makes sense.

I have to say I'm surprised at how many people here don't seem to follow through, or won't even take a chance and respond to an email or two. Can you really tell you're not a match with someone through a 300-word paragraph? I know I can't. In fact, I often can't tell until I meet someone in person. If we are not a match, we'll figure it out fast enough and I promise I won't take it personally, get mad or cyber stalk you! Again, I really value honesty. So there is no risk in chatting a bit or a quick meet and greet. Plus, what do we have to lose?

No matter what, you'll get complete honesty; no games and I always do what I say I will. Want to know more, just ask!