Hi HW. Oh I wish you were closer! You have always been a comfort to me. For me, it seems as if I have gone through phases in letting go. I must have been doing a little at a time.
Job, please believe me when I say, I have no desire for H to move home right now. I am 100% sure that would be a huge mistake and I know we are not ready for that. I am disappointed that he has not moved emotionally in 3 years. When he gave me the exact same speech the other day, that I have been hearing since BD, my mind just clicked. I gave up. He is stuck and may always be.
I took S to H last night. On the way, H had told me to let him know what I want to do and when I want to get together to talk. I replied, YOU let me know when you want to talk, it's in your hands, you can carry this burden now. He replied that he HAS been carrying this burden every single day. He said he figured I would want to get together to explain exactly what I mean by "moving on".
I wanted to reply, how about I keep you in the dark for the next 3 years while you try to figure it out? No, I didn't....
It was a friendly drop off and again when H brought S home because he has an early morning meeting, so he only had him for a few hours.
I did send him a quick message this morning. I just pointed out that he expresses how much he hates to see S be so fearful of things, that he was the same when he was young and wishes he hadn't been. I reminded him that fear is causing him to lose his wife, his family and causing him to miss so much every day. I asked him, do you have any faith? Not faith in God, but faith in yourself and others? Because that is what you can turn your fear into. I also sent him some pics of S first day at school since he couldn't make it.
I am not reaching out to H in hopes he comes around. I don't even think it does any good in his head right now. I am making sure, as I wrap things up in this chapter of my life, that I make sure I get everything out. I will not be one of those people who looks back and says, I wish I had tried harder. I think I have stayed very quiet with him, but I feel the need to get things out.
My changes are more internal than external. I still plan on being friendly with H and spending time together with S, it just won't be with any hope that it matters for our R. I am not angry with H, just very sad for all of us.
Wishing you a happy Monday M
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
