Hi Buxom, I hope you don't mind me saying but this stuff with OW/OWs and your H has been happening for a number of years now looking at your signature. I don't think there is any need for you to tolerate behaviour that you find disrespectful. And if you want to call him on that and lay down a boundary I would say go for it.
What concerns me is your tolerance of a long-running situation and I want to ask whether your love for yourself has become somewhat buried in your wish to keep your M. I guess I would have less concern if you appeared more independent of your H, but from what you post, you sound quite enmeshed with him.
And just now, he's a guy who had a long running EA/PA and continues to text OPs in your presence. Ie: like bedding down with a grumpy anaconda - not good for one's General wellbeing. At what point do you say - hey, this situation really isn't working for me? I do think it is important to get to the point where you will be fine either way - whether the M can be saved or not. But your self-respect and self-love comes before the M...and that is why DBing always focuses first on saving yourself.
Can I ask if you have read Codependent No More? I found it really helped me look at my own desperate desire to hold on to the M and see a level of codependency in myself. Some key questions we are encouraged to ask in the book are - does this work for me? And also. What do I need to do to look after myself in this situation?
Personally, I would love it if you would kick your H's ass to the curb - MLC or not - but maybe I'm just a little feisty (and fed up of WS's who seem to think they can hold on to their M's whilst they have one foot out.)
Anyway, do take the last part with a pinch of salt, but I hope there is something useful for you in the rest of the post.
xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
xx