Need to ask you questions, so I hope you don't think you're being drilled. Is it unusual for your W to have anger and resentment about past issues?

Did your W try to manipulate or bully you? Did she teach the kids to show respect to their father? How would she act toward you, in front of the kids? Respectful? Make degrading comments, roll eyes, speak to you through the kids, make you the butt of jokes, sarcastic, fuss/fight, etc.?

How did you both emotionally abuse one another?

Is she physically healthy, have any mental problems, hormone issues? Does she have low self-esteem or is she confident? Does she have several good friends who offer her support?

You said your kids are grown, how old are they? They all just up and moved out together?

I know these are a lot of questions, Mike. There could be other issues at play with your W (not OM), so we need as much background as you can tell us.

It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!