How to rekindle love?

[AndrewP]

Rose888 - I just wanted to stop by and say "thanks" for the visit on my thread. As I'm sure you can understand I'm in a pretty fragile place and perhaps reacted poorly to your well-meant comments.

I will confess that prior to this visit I hadn't checked out your own sitch and might (or might not) perhaps have some helpful observations. My W and I are almost 10 years older than you and other than the heady days when we first me have pretty much always had a - shall we say - subdued sex life. Not by my choice. I had accepted this because of the love and devotion I had for my W and she for me. I'm glad that this is a relatively anonymous forum and I hope you aren't too delicate because I'm going to go into some details. We had come to an "agreement" in our late 20s that I would stop pestering her for sex several times a week and she would agree to once a week on Sunday mornings. Sometimes it would happen more often but at least for me it meant that there was a time I could ask and not be rudely rejected. Given how the "calendar" works and other issues certainly not every Sunday was taken advantage of. Another factor was that my W wasn't interested in sex (I think there are some deeper irrelevant to your sitch issues around that). Other than in certain positions she was practically never able to achieve orgasm and those positions (her on top) got increasingly difficult and painful for her as the years passed and honestly I don't think it was worth the effort for her so she would mostly just lay there and "do the duty". I would do my d@mndest within the limits of what she would allow to help her achieve orgasm but even when she would let me try 80% of the time it failed.

Your H is probably terrified of getting older and losing the ability to "perform". Because of weight issues and a tendency to drink a bit too much pre BD (weight is now way down and beer consumption minimal) over time my ability to "get to the finish line" had diminished over time. In recent years W and I would joke about me getting a "participation ribbon" for trying. Around this time thankfully W started putting more effort into her part to get me aroused but not really a lot.

If I had been asked how I described my sex life with W for the last 20+ years - I would have to say "barely adequate". I have never talked to W about this and the way things are going, probably never will.

How did I manage to retain my desire for W despite the lack of sexual gratification? I openly acknowledged to her that sex was a way of her "binding" me to her and we both knew that a couple of weeks without and I would be grumpy and less agreeable to her wishes. Scary to think that it's been 4 months now. I think a lot of it was her ability to be charming and loving in other ways. There were regular "I Love Yous", we would always walk hand in hand, hugs, casual kisses and touches as we passed by each other - I'm starting to cry now - sorry. I would also compensate through masturbation mid-week and on Saturday morning so that I wouldn't be too eager and have the job finished too quickly. I would sometimes use porn to assist me in getting interested in that.

One thing that was a major issue for me and may well be for your husband as well was my inability to bring my W to orgasm. Core to my belief in myself as a virile man was the need to sexually satisfy her and it always made me feel low that I couldn't. That might be part of the issue with you and your H. He perhaps doesn't feel that he's doing good enough or that you're not trying hard enough because you don't cross the finish line. My W was able to reassure me very early on that it wasn't a problem for her and that she just enjoyed being there for me. I always did keep trying though. Since W had a poor body image and was rather a prude she wasn't open to much if any experimenting. The fact that the positions that did work were painful for her made me reluctant to ask.

As a side note - on BD2 - not only did I lose my appetite (and a lot of weight) but I also became impotent. Both appetites have returned somewhat but it's still at a very low ebb - certainly an issue for the fragile male ego.

Anyway - just some things to think about from the other side of the fence from a man who was deeply in love with a woman who was poorly able to sexually satisfy him. You've mentioned being open to new ideas - most of which are around the sex act itself. Perhaps think of other ways to please him that don't involve you getting across the same finish line. I know that I could wear my "participation ribbon" with pride.

P.S. - you mentioned having to do the forums on your tablet or phone. You may want consider investing in an inexpensive Bluetooth keyboard. It will make your life easier for both this and other activities such as emailing and Facebook.

Hugs

PPS - irrelevant perhaps - Yes this is the same W who is a WW and from the evidence I found was very sexually stimulated by OM at least at the beginning of the A. She was also very sexually stimulated by me at the beginning of our R or when she really wanted something (the house we are in and our second child are two examples). I recognized early on the look of triumph and power she had on her face after sex especially when she thought she had done a particularly good job. One of the many blows to my ego is that she is being sexually satisfied by another man in ways that I could not.