* I went to the event * I went under my own steam * I felt very confident (quiet confidence, not arrogance) * I stayed in the neutral zone all evening (my BF called it nonchalance) * I wore a smoking hot, long black dress * I dyed my hair a deep red a few weeks ago * I went to the hairdresser get my hair styled beforehand (something I have never, ever done in my life before). I went for loose curls, old Hollywood style...very glamorous. I have poker straight waist length hair normally. * I wore different makeup to that which my colleagues had seen me in before * I accepted every single compliment that was fired my way (and I got shed loads of them...wow! There were a few of my colleagues and H's friends I hadn't seen since before October that actually didn't even recognise me. I had to tell them who I was). * I stayed longer than my H (I didn't actually notice at what point he left, but he was gone by the time I left) * I did not speak to H at all * I did not crack a look in OW's direction, or even acknowledge her presence * I chatted to loads and loads of people * I did not rely on basking in the reflected glory of my H to carry me though the evening * I didn't mention him to anyone at all, all evening
How do I feel about it all?
I was worried about how I would react, and was genuinely surprised and pleased that I was so indifferent to him and to OW. It feels like this came at the right time for me,
I know H did notice me, for sure. Quite early on in the evening, he clocked me, and came charging towards me (I was standing right at the bar). I just turned away, ever so slightly, so that it would be difficult for him to talk to me. And he did find it impossible to but in, but he did stand right behind me at the bar. I know he would have noticed my amazing hair
I wasn't ready to talk to him last night. I realise that now. I am happy with having been able to be in the same room as him (as well as with a few hundred other people) and remain so indifferent. I managed to carry that one off really well
How did he look? Unwell, like he'd lost weight. His energy was all over the place, weird. I could feel it very occasionally, but I chose to ignore it. He was dressing like a souped up parody of himself. He looked a caricature of himself, and I was a bit shocked to see that.
Anyway, I had a great time and felt very, very proud of myself.
Sorry to be late to your post Focus. I'm really impressed about how you carried it off! Well done. Enjoy your weekend and next time you doubt yourself remember how you felt.
Hi Focus, This isn't the first time you've had a key in the lock so for your own peace of mind change the locks. As for the event, what do you feel deep down? Can you carry off a devil may care attitude in front of H? If not maybe it is better not to go. I don't know what other vets would suggest. I understand how you feel, I still expect to bump into W every time I go to the bars we used to visit, it isn't a nice feeling. We're on a similar timeline and I think you are making amazing progress despite the difficulties you've faced. Stay strong.
Thank you so much.
I've been catching up on your sich. I'm so sorry I have no advice, or words of wisdom. My heart breaks that so many people are in a similar situation and that you are here too.
We all start off thinking that are situations are individual to us. And there are many details that are individual to us, for sure. But the similarities between all the various situations, the similarities in what our spouses do and say, the similarities in how we react and go though this whole process...they're the things that I'm shocked at.
I feel nothing but a tremendous amount of sadness at the moment.
I'm managing to sleep better than ever now, I'm starting to get open top of my own work again, to make some little plans for the future, to keep GAL ticking over, to be open to other people and genuinely appreciative of what they offer (conversation, friendship, warmth and humanity), and other people also seem to be open to and appreciative of what I offer back.
I don't feel like I've lost anything of myself during this whole process (so far, anyway). I feel like I'm more myself than I can remember being for a long time, and I'm quite enjoying that feeling.
But I feel like I've crossed over some invisible divide that I didn't even know existed. And I feel like I'm operating in some parallel existence to a lot of other people. People that I knew from before seem to have become strangers in the course of a few months. There seems to be a huge gulf between us now. And I seem to have developed an almost intuitive affinity with those (sometime almost strangers) that have been through similar, very profound, life changing traumas and losses.
A couple more things have happened in the past few weeks, but I'll stop here for now.
Sorry to be late to your post Focus. I'm really impressed about how you carried it off! Well done. Enjoy your weekend and next time you doubt yourself remember how you felt.
Thank you so much!
I think it's important for all of us to realise the moments when we're feeling relaxed and centered, so we can remember them and draw on them (especially in times of hardship...when we're feeling down, or feeling attacked, or feeling drawn into conflict).
I'm almost at 9 months now.
I think I really know the things I need to do to make me feel like I'm moving forward and making progress. And I start to get anxious and low when I don't do them.
I'm still working on my house at the moment. It's turned into a massive, ongoing project (in a good way).
This past week I cleared out a whole bunch of underwear. I threw lots out and also donated a lot of the new, unworn items that didn't fit me any more to charity (one that helps women in Afirca). I could still go another round of clearing even more out (I'm taking my cue from a friend who went through the same process with his books, and went through them over and over until he was only left with a handful), but I'm OK with my progress so far.
I also went through my shoes and did the same process. Again, I could still go another round as I really have far too many shoes, but I'm OK for the moment. I'll move on to another part of my bedroom so I can keep moving forwards with the whole process at a reasonable pace and keep seeing progress.
Social GAL has been good. I'm at the point where different groups of friends are texting asking me to go out. I like that, it makes me feel good.
I'm worried about my mum, as she's been in hospital again. I think she's finding the whole thing really, really difficult and its impacted on the degenerative illness that she has. She was really fond of my H (and his family too), and has been really upset by what has happened.
We talked about it for the first time when I went to visit her in hospital last week. It's taken me this long to be able to speak to her because I wanted to make sure I could be clear headed about it all, keep my calm and not risk upsetting her further, and so I could be fair and reasonable to both of us (H and myself).
I didn't tell her everything (I didn't tell her about his two As), as I think she would have upset further by that, and I didn't talk about how guilty I feel for what I believe to have been my part in everything. I'm actually sitting here with tears streaming down my face as I'm typing this, because at the moment the sadness and guilt are pretty overwhelming.
I feel like if I'd acted differently, I could have prevented all of this. But from everything I've read about MLC, it seems that I couldn't - that nobody could. I guess I'm still really confused about it all, and I just don't understand. None of it makes any sense. Especially not the scale of it all, the utter betrayal of everything we had done together and built on for all those years.
I'm thinking he might be just as confused as I am, and just as lost as I am, but I don't know. I don't know who he is any more and I just feel that he's a total stranger to me now, the way that he is now. I don't really like the person that he's turned into, the values that he seems to live by, and I don't really have much of a desire to try and get close to him. I feel like I'm just backing off and away, further and further.
Ultimately, I feel like the fork in the road we found ourselves at has taken us, and is taking us, in very different directions. I think I'm OK with that, because I know that I'll be OK with going along this path. It seems to be a good one for me, as it's yielding lots and lots of rewards, even in the short time I've been on it. I'm just still shocked and confused to be on this path at all. I never even imagined that could happen.
Anyway, all in all, I feel good about how I talked about it with my mum. So I'll try and hang on to that for now.
It's almost three weeks since I last posted. I've been lurking though, and reading through threads when I can.
Well, some of my PMA over the last months has paid off, in a really big way. I was offered a six week, full-time, temporary contract in a different department to the zero hours one in which I work as a result of always being so helpful, sociable and bright at my zero hours job.
This is making a huge difference to my financial situation. I can now relax for the remainder of the year, knowing I can get by. I don't live a fancy life, to be sure. I live the life of an artist, from month to month. But the pressure is now off, and I can relax for the second half of the year, which is an absolute luxury for me...especially since BD in October.
I know that there is a part-time position coming up in this department in which I've been working this temporary contract, so I'm doing something that I've never done before, and working this job with an eye to applying for the part-time position if it does come up. I feel I'm doing OK so far.
I can now wear my own clothes to work, instead of my zero hours position uniform, and everyone has commented on how well I look and how nicely put together I am.
I have some serious GAL lined up for the weekend, and am bringing several groups of friends together on Saturday night who have never met, but who I would really like to introduce to each other.
This is all doing wonders for my self esteem and my confidence.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Oh, and about a week ago, I got a text out of the blue from H.
It was a bit different to the previous ones he's written. He started by saying that it was good to have seen me at the event we were both at, and that he was sure we would get a chance to chat at some point.
Then he asked for something, providing me with a long explanation as to why he needed it.
He ended by saying he hoped I was well (in Scots) and signed his name.
Well, part of me can't help wondering if he sent the text (and writing those things) because of how I'd been at the event we were both at? Who knows.
Anyway, I got it while I was at my job. I did feel my heart pound slightly when I saw there was a text from him (more a feeling of dread than anything else), but that feeling was gone after a couple of minutes. And I was able to carry on and concentrate fully on my work.
I haven't replied yet.
I don't really think I want to see him, or meet up with him. I feel very happy living my life as it is. I'm really enjoying discovering myself, being who I am, and changing as time passes. I'm not interested in being his friend either.
At the moment I'm planning on waiting out the two year separation deadline that Scots law stipulates before one partner can divorce another, without the other partner being able to contest the divorce.
I think it was darknes who posted about each spouse going down a different path, at different speeds, at BD. And that those paths may (or may not) cross at some future point. And that each spouse may find themselves at the crossing at the same time as the other, or they may not.
To me that illustrates the very slim chances of finding each other again after BD.
I feel pretty much detached at this precise point in time.
Do I want to see him again? No.
Do I miss him? No. What I miss is what we had for the first ten years of our M. I don't miss what went on in the last five years of our M, or the person he became. I do also feel overwhelmingly sad for what was lost. But there you go, it is what it is.
Not too much to report. My temporary job is going great, I'm really enjoying it. It's absolutely fantastic for my CV as well. I'm half way through my contract.
The only downside is, that I'm finding it a little stressful (for a few different reasons), and it's starting to affect my health a little. I'm keeping an eye on that.
One morning when I was in, working away, I got a text totally out of the blue from my H/STBXH. I felt my heart pound a little when I saw he had texted, but I knew straight away that it was from anxiety and stress, more than anything else (certainly not hope). I think I was anxious at the thought of him throwing a lot of **** in my direction, and attacking me.
Anyway, his text was totally out of the blue. He was asking for something from my house. It was quite a lengthy text and the whole feel of it was quite chatty. He started by saying that it had been good to see me at the work event we'd both been at (first time he'd seen me since October) and that he was sure we'd speak at some point.
Then asked for what he needed, along with a lengthy explanation as to why. And suggesting his mum come round some time for it. Ended with a 'hope you're well' type thing in colloquial Scots.
Just after he texted, I got completely engrossed in the work I was doing and forgot to answer for a few days. As well as my full time temporary contract, I'm still working on my zero hours jobs and running my business...my head is really, really full. I reckon I'm probably working about 60-70 hours a week at the moment. I've also got central heating engineers coming at the end of the month, so I'm busy sorting my house at the moment.
Anyway, it wasn't until a few days after that I remembered to text back. I kept it very short and a bit offhand. He texted back, and then texted again a few days after saying the same thing, and ended again with a 'hope you're well' in Scots.
I felt absolutely nothing at that point...total indifference.
I can still feel the pain of my lost dreams and hopes, but they don't feel tied to him any more. It's more my own lost dreams and hopes that I feel like I'm mourning now.
I don't know if this is progress, or what. I think I've given up on trying to see progress in myself. I'm more just living day to day at the moment, and when I feel down or stressed during that day, doing something to try and sort it that moment/that day.
House progress:
* Been through my underwear and thrown away things that are old/don't fit any more. Bought myself some nice new underwear that fits. A good time to buy at the moment, as a lot of sales are 70% off now.
* Been through my shoes, and donating lots of almost new that I never wear to the charity shop. Sorted the rest into categories (yes, I have a lot of shoes ;))
* Been through my small top cupboards/wardrobes and sorted the clothes there into categories: one cupboard for suits (which is almost empty as I never really wear them, or have any use for them); one for going out clothes (sequinned tops, Chinese satin jackets etc); one for holiday clothes; one for black clothes for my zero hours job (I wear these a lot).
*Been through two out of three of my hanging cupboards below and got a pile of clothes for the charity shop. Sorted the remainder into colours and categories. Bought some new slimline hangers for everything.
So, what's left to sort?
* Last hanging cupboard
* Shelves at the top of each hanging cupboard
* Big cupboard off the living room. This has *tons* of stuff in it: clothes, house stuff, other various
* Chest of drawers in bedroom (already sorted one drawer and turned it into stationery)
* Suitcase under bed (tbh, I can leave this until well after everything else)
* Books (I can maybe donate a few of these, but I can leave this until well after everything else)
* Finish painting woodwork round house
* Paint all rooms
* Design and build bathroom cabinets
* Paint exterior woodwork (my stepdad has offered to do this for me)
I reckon this is going to keep me busy for a good few months at least, maybe even the best part of a year. I'm doing the decluttering very mindfully, so it's all very slow.
After the initial 'is there anything you want to talk to me about yet' one he sent about a month after he left there have only been a couple of texts (to ask for specific things he needed).
The only time I've seen him was at the industry event we both went to a couple of months ago. No chat or even saying hello there.
I believe the A is in full force.
So we're coming up to a year since he left. Why no mention of D from him? Why is he still paying the mortgage (the house is entirely mine legally)?
I know it's mind reading to try and guess, and I try and stop myself as much as I can from doing that. But I'm honestly completely mystified. What on earth is going on?
