I needed to hear your feedback....Nik you were right about me NOT truly detaching if all these crazymaking thoughts are running through my head. And, Holdingon.....you are soooo right about giving this to God....letting Him guide me and the future. Sigh.....some days I "get it" better than others!
H called again last night, twice. We talked logistics about kids more. He asked me to go with him on May 14 to get son in college....so I could drive part way (3 hrs ea way) and he could work some on his laptop....and of course talk more. (WHATEVER!?!?) I said I wasn't sure if I had to work that day, and I would get back to him. I couldn't tell if the "working" part was an excuse to get me to go...or if he really wanted help, so he could work....he's involved in a huge work issue in SEattle for the whole month of May. Will be in and out of town with it. Then again, I also wonder if he's manipulatin me into going, so he culd back out at the last minute and not go at all....knowing I had arranged my schedule to go. I may continue to be vague on that comittment.
He did say how swamped he was this week-end, so probably would come out....I said, "yeah, the weather's gonna be lousy and my week-end is filling up anyway."
I then beat him to the punch to hang up....was somewhat abrupt.
He then called back about 15 min later to see if I was doing ok. I said, "yea, fine." He said..."is there something on your mind....you seemed kind of abrupt about hanging up." I said.....oh, I thought your phone was breaking up and I wanted to finish some things up here....but that I was fine." In actuality....I was still rumbling about the conv with D and H's past vac trip around Easter. I was NOT about to go into that.
Gotta get back to detachment....seems like I was doing it, and then slipped these past few days. Uggggh.
Ok....I've got to update on my rollar-coaster emotional week-end. First of all my internet system was crashing since Fri night...until tonight...Driving me nuts.
I have been my own worst enemy, emotionally the last 2 days. I was spinning around the whole conv with d, regarding H's past vac in Fl....wondering if he went with OW. I was totally torn inside....should I confront? Should I hold back....blah, blah, blah....I kept thinking of James Dobson's advice...to confront...w/o emotions, just stating facts. Then, I thought of Michele's mantra...."never ask about OW" It was bugging the he!! out of me. H kept calling, leaving VM on Sat...but did not ask me to call him. He left another today...seemed frustrated not to get me and asked me to call. I did....he asked where I am all the time. I said, "Oh doing various things...out exercising, with friends, running errands, etc." He seemed to calm down. Then asked about logistics getting together this week to swap cars and catch up. We compared schedules and decided he's ome out Tue late afternoon and we could have dinner too. I
Anyway....H asked if something was on my mind that we needed to talk about. I said, well after getting our credit card bill and conv with d, I was not wanting to make any assumeptions. "So, H, did you go to FL with OW?" He said there were people from work he saw in FL, but he went on his own, with no one. I listened....no comments. I then said.."well we agreed to ask if anything was confusing us about each other, not to make any aSSumptions, right?" He agreed. He said..."why have yo been gone so much..." I said, "are you assuming things about me that you have questions about?" He said, well I think you would tell me if I neede to know anything about you." I said, right. He said he is ready now for us to talk more about what our future may be with or without each other. He said he wants to compare thoughts on where we are at and where we are going. He said he has had quality time to think things thru and we can talk Tues. I said, (in an upbeat fashion)..."that's fine....I've had lots of quality time to think things through for me....and this time apart has been very good for me. I feel more independent and I've had many thoughts regarding MY future."
This is all 180s for me....to gently, unemtionally confront...or at least ask. To respond carefully, and to listen more. It felt good inside. However this talk goes....I am ready to be confident and straight forward. No real utimatums....just keep moving in a forward direction.
Obviously....holding this all in...talking with a few friends...got me all wigged out inside....then laying it out to H....I am feeling SOOOOOOOO much better. REally I was kind of an internal mess Fri-Sun. (no one really knew...good at acting!)
H also asked when I was leaving for NYC. I said Sat...he offered to come out and take me to the airport. Wow....that's a first since before the sep. Again, a few good baby steps. Gotta keep my cool this week.
I think you did fine with this conversation. You do have to weigh the advice with what your guidance is telling you about how to respond in your situation. You clearly needed to know the answer to that question and you asked it in a cool and mature way. Your H responded in a way that left you feeling better.
No matter how this conversation goes-- straightforward and cool has gotten you this far, along with faith. So why not just keep trekking that road? Maybe it's worth writing down your goals for the conversation-- not outcomes but how you want to handle it. Just as a friendly reminder to yourself.
I read this about detachment the other night: Detachment means doing the right thing, for its own sake, because it needs to be done, without worrying about success or failure. We can't make it a synonym for indifference, carelessness or passivity. Nor can we use it as an excuse not to deal with fundamental issues. (this is the condensed version).
Seems to me like you're well on the way to that definition. I too have been really introspective the past few days... must be something in the air right now. (Actually, for me it's something in the hormones--I've figured out my pattern.)
Your D is graduating too? Mine is, and H has not called once to ask anything about the party!? What a moron! So I can't afford the "big" party that the other two got. Talked with D about it. So we are having a "Small" party. If H doesn't like it he can kiss my white butt! LMAO
Quote: My thoughts go..."H lies all the time, he decieves me, I can't trust him. I have tried over and over again and he continues to lie. H had an affair. I'm not even 100% certain if it is over yet. I WILL NOT be M to someone who continues to have some sort of R with OW. I deserve much more."
There you have it. When I think along these lines I am disgusted with H's behavior. I detach 100% and prefer to NOT be with him.
Ok I delected one part of it, because it didn't apply with my sitch. But the rest I totally agree with! Nik, hon, I think you are getting it! Should we start a club? LMAO.
I truely like snoddery and wiley most of their advice! I think we should start a workshop! Working on detaching and moving forward!
I've been away for awhile, just catching up on things. We all have these emotional slips from time to time, I had one myself yesterday.. . Just have to think BIG PICTURE, get back on the horse and STICK to the the things we've discussed time and time again.
Good luck with your big "talk" today with your H. I'd just listen to what he sees in his crystal ball, if its not good, just AGREE with however he sees it, as it will do you no good to disagree if his mind appears convinced of this or that (a month from now it could all change..especially if he sees he may be LOSING YOU...). Of course, you know to continue to ACT HAPPY & CONFIDENT, no worries, NO TALK ABOUT OW...
As far as the airport goes, if its not too late, I would politely decline his invitation to take you to the airport, I'd tell him it was "sweet" of him to ask, but you have a FRIEND who will give you a lift...
He didn't ask you to take HIM to the airport when he went on his Floridian jaunt...so...why now??...
Hang in there, RELIEVE PRESSURE whenever you can, and keep moving forward...
I move forward and backward and forward again. It's nice to see that I am not the only one that struggles like this.
I agree with Wiley about the airport ride. I think it is so hard to take that extra step of detaching. I am not consistently there. I do know that the more I back off the more H comes around. So why is it so hard to be consistent?
I have been sooo busy the last 2 days,now finally catching up.
First of all....last Tues with H went quite well. Without getting too hopeful these are the pos that happened that day:
H callled twice, before work and at lunch to confirm our evening together. He was chatty, friendly....covering logistics that could have waited til that night.
He left work early (4ish)...used to always work til 6-7.
He was chatty, friendly...played alot with dog.
Asked a few questions about my work, house, yard, etc. Seemed to really listen carefully.
He initiated talk about his "journey" Said he's had some quality time to think and is beginning to realize what's important to him. He talked about how he had "lost" himself in the rat-race of the corp. world, played the games, gave too much of himself....and along the way "lost" much of what is really important to who he really is...and what he is all about. He want to be more of himself....like the guy I first met....values, passions, honest, etc.
I just listened, nodded my head, valadated, etc.
He talked about what he sees his future being like. Very simple, not about the rat-race, getting a head...dancing the steps for others rather than himself. He may drop out of this type of work and simplify.
He asked me my thoughts....I agreed that his work-world had drained the best out of him....that I was glad he was getting back to what's important to the old H.
I, then shared parts of my "journey." Stuff I have posted here along the way....spiritual, service-oriented, working/volunteering for people in need.....blah, blah, blah....
H listened, and seemed interested.
Then we left that talk alone. Had a nice dinner, drinks, went outside and watched the full moon rise...talked more, but it was light.
All in all a very pleasant, polite, evening. H did NOT talk specifics about me or OW and that type of future. So, neither did I.
H talked more about living in the city. His neighborhood...gave me lots of specifics and mentioned I should come in and see it all....we could do some things in the city together.
H said he wasn't an urban person, tho, long term....missed the out of doors, and open spaces. Too much conjestion.
H did press me at the end of the evening....what's on my mind? I finally said..."I will be with my Mom and sis on Mother's day...we are going to NYC for 5 days...and I think it's time I tell them more honestly what's going on between H and I. I said, "I don't like to pretend...it's not in my nature."
H said, yes do what you want of course, but I have an opinon about all that. H said he preferred I left it all alone until Mem. Day when my Mom NEEDS to know (she'll be coming here for a week)....that a lot can happen between now and the end of May .
I said I would think about it.
He intiated 2 hugs when leaving...then called about 15 min later en route back to city to thank me for the nice dinner ang great conversation!
So WTF does that mean? I want to read into much of this stuff....seems like H is making a shift, closer to me. But, I don't want to set up my expectations. I am staying cool about doing things with him. He wanted to come out early on Sat, hang with me, go hit golf balls and then take me to the airport. So that is happening...didn't take your advice.
H also keeps pressing me to go with him to get son on May 14...he wants me to train into the city....meet him at his office (which I haven't done in 9+months)) and we'll go from there around lunch time. I told him I'd see. He has brought it up at least 4 times over the past 10 days.
So all in all....it seems like H might be "piecing"...himself back together...and seeing if our paths have potential to re-connect.
Quote: So all in all....it seems like H might be "piecing"...himself back together...and seeing if our paths have potential to re-connect.
I agree, your H is doing a lot of thinking, sharing his feelings, thoughts with you. Asking about you on top of that, sees how well you're doing. The whole conversation, interaction sounded relaxing and peaceful.
I would just keep doing what you're doing with no expectations (I know hard to do). Don't read too much into what H has been sharing with you, treat his opening up to you like you would if a best friend shared their feelings with you...listen, validate and live YOUR life and be happy for your friend.
IMHO--If you can just leave things alone and don't bring it up to your mom yet. Unless you feel a pressing need to share this with them. Memorial Day isn't that far off either. I don't think you have to pretend, just keep the focus on yourself as you are the important one. Your relationship with your H can be personal and really isn't anyone else's business. I have no idea what kind of R you have with your family, with my family and friends in fact, I share very little about my R with H at this point. Just assure them all that I am doing great and it's a day to day thing with our M.
Cathy....thanks so much for wading thru my long post. Your advice about my family is totally right. It's not as tho they will "be there" for me....they love me, but are more into themselves (a bit selfish)...if you know what I mean.
I will wait a little longer. See how this all goes.
I will stay with the "friendship" thing with H....needed that reminder.
goes....I am ready to be confident and straight forward. No real utimatums....just keep moving in a forward direction.
. Just have to think BIG PICTURE, get back on the horse and STICK to the the things we've discussed time and time again.
Without getting too hopeful these are the pos that happened that day: