Out of in house S - On My Own (11)

[vise82]

Hey

I am here on this site and I don't know what to post about.

I had an MRI of my brain yesterday. I have been getting head aches. When I told W about it a month ago she was very supportive and said she would help if I needed anything. Well she did not ask how it went. Not text, no message, I just did it alone.

I still need to work on having the confidence to follow through with social things. I was paying for parking at the hospital and a nice looking woman was next to pay and I thought of paying for her parking as well. I did not follow through. I just kept it as an idea and did not convert it to action. The more I am aware of doing this I am sure it will be an action one of these times.

It was ok. I held it together but during the 20 min scan I was almost crying as it brings up fears of finding something. Of facing death. I was having thoughts of my brain exploding during the test. Tears welling up and dripping off the side of my face as I lay there motionless. Then I thought of the story my sister told me of my nephew. He was in a dark place and tried to take his life. He got better and she showed me a picture, tattooed on his wrists inhale and exhale.

So that is what I did to get through the scan as the bad thoughts came. Exhale and inhale. Simple. It worked.

The thoughts that something might be wrong with me are so overwhelmingly sad for me. I take it personally like I am a failure, and that I am defective. That I could leave my two boys with out a Dad. Inhale and exhale breaks up those thoughts.

On the way home I messaged my friend as he lives near the hospital and I visited with him for a bit. As I was driving to his house I was driving past all the places W and I went to as we were dating as we lived in that area together. Like the pizza place and video rental and variety stores and Chinese food restaurant. All places we visited. We were so much in love then. And just as I drove past them so did the memories flash in my mind. It was a different time then. I was so green to it all. So much grit then. So naive.

Had a good visit, he was telling me of his girlfriends family and son and the pressure to be married and to be moving in together. It was nice to take my mind off of the MRI.