She was a married addict, so that rule didn't apply to her.
But it's most definitely there, and talk to your sponsor. Dating is HEAVILY discouraged during the first year of recovery. HEAVILY.
But whatever. You want to date in recovery, while married and going through a D, while still wanting your wife back, knock yourself out.
Be careful with that woman's feelings. She sounds like she is in quite a vulnerable place herself.
I think you just want your marriage to be saved, but you don't want to do the work. And the work it takes is on yourself. And if your M isn't saved, then you don't repeat cycles and deal with the deep stuff.
I think you just want your marriage to be saved, but you don't want to do the work. And the work it takes is on yourself. And if your M isn't saved, then you don't repeat cycles and deal with the deep stuff.
There is no work to do. She told me to my face that it's over. I have to move on.
This dating rule you mention - I think this is from long ago because I have not heard of it.
So let me get this straight - it's perfectly alright to endlessly perseverate over 'how can I get my wife back OMG I have to detach!' and write about it all day on these boards for YEARS. It's ok to go 3 years (!) 'working on yourself' with no sex. Driving ourselves crazy, second guessing everything we do - turning ourselves NEUROTIC over 'detaching and letting go'. All with the ultimate intention of 'reconciliation'.
But the minute I mention even the possibility of going out for coffee with someone who could just be a friend in the long run ... then I'm making a huge mistake that could cost me my marriage (which my W is already doing a great job of throwing in the trash).
Last edited by Cadet; 08/17/1603:32 PM. Reason: combine posts
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
oh, as a child, I did attended my mothers NA meetings. I educated myself growing up. I read the big book. I only have never attended alanon meetings which I should have.
Just do a simple google search about dating in the first year of sobriety. I can't post links, but see what you find.
PLUS YOU ARE MARRIED AND STILL WANT YOUR WIFE BACK.
We can argue about whether I should even go out for coffee w some woman - or 'whether or not I'm willing to do the WORK'. (what work? sobriety? going to 2 therapists every week? detaching? journaling? taking care of my kids? all CHECK). Nothing is going to bring my wife back, so I'm good with getting the 2x4 in this thread.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
Your wife now is in a midlife crisis i.e. she is mentally ill. Do you want to join her to the madhouse or do you want to be the stable man that your children desperately need right now?
Just do a simple google search about dating in the first year of sobriety. I can't post links, but see what you find.
I brought it up this morning at NA and nobody said a thing.
I'm pretty sure noone in the many AA MA and NA meetings that I attend daily would have a problem with dating. Also - I just reread the Big Book - no mention of this 'rule'.
Last edited by Cadet; 08/18/1612:57 PM. Reason: combine posts
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
Have you thought about being alone, focusing on your kids and sobriety for a while? Getting good with yourself without having to have something else to make you feel better. because when that goes away, it crashes again. Moving on means more than moving on to the next person.
You aren't even considering this woman's feelings.
You just want the next external source that makes you feel good.
Whatever floats your boat. Be careful with the feelings of others.
Do you want to join her to the madhouse or do you want to be the stable man that your children desperately need right now?
Oh jeez. Ok. I want to go out for coffee with a woman, this may not even happen. But all of a sudden I'm jeopardizing my *sanity*. That's a little much.
Originally Posted By: Ginger1
Have you thought about being alone, focusing on your kids and sobriety for a while? Getting good with yourself without having to have something else to make you feel better. because when that goes away, it crashes again. Moving on means more than moving on to the next person.
You aren't even considering this woman's feelings.
You just want the next external source that makes you feel good.
Whatever floats your boat. Be careful with the feelings of others.
Good luck.
It's just COFFEE. I'm not talking about moving her in and making her my kids new step mom. And it may not even happen. Everyone is so dramatic in this thread about something I brought up in passing that may not even happen.
Last edited by Cadet; 08/18/1612:38 PM. Reason: combine posts
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
Also - a few things. Nothing may come of this new woman. Or, we end up dating but I'm not going to flaunt the new relationship or introduce my children to her or post pics of her on FB. Not that my wife would notice or care anyway. Right now, I feel like I need to let my wife go and live my life.
