Oh...thanks so much for the updates Deb, Nik, KAW and Wiley...
It's great to have support from you all!!
I keep rehashing stuff from yesterday. H had also said something about "our cores, deep inside....that came together at the beginning of our R, are still there." Hmmmm, that was a positive. He doesn't elaborate on this stuff....and I listened carefully (no pressing or interruptions...a 180 for me!!)
I just had a momentary "crazymaking" period about a half hour ago. I was paying bills, and saw that H took out cash from ATM on 4/14 at some PGA resort in Campalm Beach. That was the week he said he was going on a personal vac....and was very vague. I, again, never asked about it....where or with whom. Sounds like Florida. Both the kids asked me where their Dad went that week....but I told them to ask him...I didn't know. Just makes me think....of course....that he was there with OW. I really don't know one way or another....and am not going to find out. If one day he discloses that, well, then ok. I had to deep breath....say a few words of prayer...to get my head back straight. I KNOW I have to let that stuff go. Just wanted to rant here...get it out and let it GO!!
Not much else. Having a pleasant day, working, gardening, etc.
Oh yea, one more thing. Last Fri night my new MF from my Alpha group called and asked me to come over with he and his brother for wine/pizza and watch a movie. I did....it was fine.....tho I think this new MF is more interested in me, than I am him. He knows my exact sitch....but I will have to be clear that I am only looking for friendship, nothing more. He was not the guy I had that sense of chemistry with way back when. It was kind of weird to sense he was interested. (tho I'm not attracted to him). I will make that crystal clear the next time I see or talk to him.
Well, he said he was going on a personal vacation so...He's going to go where he pleases with whomever, thats just the way it goes, you're wise to keep it under your DBing hat for now, who knows how things can quickly change in the future..
By the way, how are the plans going for your own PERSONAL vacation?....
Thanks for the feedback. Yup, gotta keep that stuff under my DBing hat.
As far as my own personal vac goes....I've got to come up with something quick. Maybe next week. My S comes home from College May 14...and he will wonder about Mom. I already have family plans that H knows about May 8-13....kind of embarassing that I've got so much travelling going on in my near future. Maybe a trip up to Wis. for a day or two next week....at least allude to that with H, if I see him this coming Sat. Hmmmmm????? Gotta come up with a sly way of letting him know that I have a personal plan brewing.
Not much new here....just keeping myself busy with work, gardening, friends, exercise. This stuff is really helping my PMA. H and I emailed each other once this week. He is out of town on for work. He is seeing our D twice for dinner....said she is doing fine.
I am just hanging tough....DETACHING....taking care of me. Know that God is taking care of things...cuz there is a certain peace growing inside. One day at a time.
Just wanted to bump myself up a bit and rant some....but y'know I think I'm already over it...ON MY OWN!!
This afternoon, D called to check in from Seattle. She said she had dinner with her Dad (H)...twice this week. Said he seemed very good. Talked about me some....referring to "your mother this, your mother that"....she said he was positive and you wouldn't sense we were even Sep. Then she got meloncholy....and said I just don't get why you two can't figure this out. It was hard listening....I just tried to even DB with her some. Validated some, generally supported H's issues, etc. Inside I was feeling all the crap, tho.
Anyway...she also mentioned that she pryed and H told her that he had gone to Florida for a short vac...(just as I had suspected)...and he went with "some people" from work. I took it in quietly....and knew in my heart, the only friends he has at work that he hangs with are female, of course. So I am quite certain that the OW what the one to go with him. Ugggggg! I had a feeling about that. This is when I want to ask him straight out...."So H, did you have funn travelling to Florida with OW??" But, like Wiley said.....he can do as he chooses. Sh*t... it just gets my goat, if you know what I mean. He did cut his trip short....only 3-4 days, I guess, cuz he told D that work issues came up and he had to return.
This is the time when I struggle within....wanting so badly to go into the city and "spy"....just to know where things stand. But if I got caught....or even saw the real truth....where would it get me? closer or farther away from my goal. Really, I fight myself inside 1-2 times ea week with the idea of spying. I stopped that last summer, when I told him I would NOT do that anymore. It just makes my blood boil, when I go there mentally! Didn't I just tell all of you NO MORE CRAZY-MAKING for Mooka.....not too many posts back. Jeez.....that gamet of emotions are right under the surface.
BTW...H left me a VM today, said he has been trying to call to talk in person about his dinners with D, and logistics to her grad. in June. (I've been out a lot the past 2 days). I left him a VM after he calling a few times with the logistics about June flights, etc. He mentioned on his VM that he would be working most of the week-end (eluding to the fact that he is probably NOT coming out on Sat....as he had previously said last Sun. He wasn't fully clear....BUT it was easy to read bewtween the lines. I think I WILL have plans this week-end, even if he suggests getting together. I'm sick of possibly being available.
Just needed to let it fly a little. I'm already better.
Been there, done that. That is how I found out H was actually living with OW, who at that time was supposedly just a FF and not the OW yet.
Anyway, what I can tell from my own experience is that when you want to spy it shows that you have not let go yet. When I lay out the cold hard facts for me that helps me to get anti-H and gives me the who gives a "leap" what he is doing.
My thoughts go..."H lies all the time, he decieves me, I can't trust him. I have tried over and over again and he continues to lie. H had an affair. I'm not even 100% certain if it is over yet. H still works with OW so what is the point anyway. I WILL NOT be M to someone who continues to have some sort of R with OW. I deserve much more."
There you have it. When I think along these lines I am disgusted with H's behavior. I detach 100% and prefer to NOT be with him.
I think the thinking too much and the overanalyzing are bad when you are doing it about H and the sitch. However, introspection about yourself, your faith, your future... that I don't think is so bad.
Last week (or whenever it was) I WAS thinking too hard. It was like a fog was over me... but it led to a "break through" of sorts, nothing that I saw at the time, but I feel like I have come from somewhere, now ... if you know what I mean. Like I have been through something. Not that I'm done, but that I made the right turn in the road.
And that was when I had said, enough is enough... please Lord, take this completely from me, help me surrender completely to you.
It's surprising to me, this journey. I guess what it is is becoming more insightful, deeper. Yea, it all sounds hokey, blah, blah, blah... but it has been important to me.
I have kind of found myself... and I am liking her. And the whole faith thing IS so comforting, but it is so foreign to the "world" that I really have to work on keeping in the word, keeping strong in my faith.
I still have areas that I need to work on... I realize I LIKE to control, and I have a tendency to manipulate, which I don't like. I realized with Sage's post, that if I could make people feel bad, I would, and now I LIKE to make them feel better.
I don't know, it's quite a journey... like Sage said "can I be done, now?"
Anyway, keep keeping on. We have been in this for a long time, no time to give up now Get closer to God, he's there for you. Let Him use this trouble for His greater good.
Hang in there.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Hmmmm, that was a positive. He doesn't elaborate on this stuff....and I listened carefully (no pressing or interruptions...a 180 for me!!) 
