Episode 3 - The Divorce Awakens

[MrBond]

I didn't "wait" for my W. I lived life. That doesn't mean that I needed someone else.

"And what do you mean I am 'addicted' to the other woman? That's really a stretch."

Not really. I mean you're addicted to the fix. It makes you feel good, wanted. Going back through your threads, you seem to need quite a bit of validation. You spent years smoking weed and doing things that you say weren't proud of that she had to put up with. And now when she's decided to stand up for herself, you get upset because now you say you've changed and can't see why she won't work on the M. Just because YOU're ready doesn't mean that she is. Everyone has their own timeline.

"Man if you have to wait 3 years for a woman to even talk to you, I don't even know what to say to that."

Exactly because you don't seem to be able to put yourself into your W's shoes. In my case, my W went through a major MLC. Ultimately I knew that whatever decision she made, she had to make and one that wasn't influenced by me.

When we got back together after her fog lifted, what she said helped was that I didn't push her to do anything I wanted. I let her make her own mistakes and didn't have any expectations.

You want to go out with other women because "life's too short", well that's your choice. I'm not sure how you'd be in the long run when a M is supposed to last a lifetime.

Just an opinion.

[Cld]

MrBond,

You are awesome!
I am going to read your threads and learn from you.
I wish there were more men like you!
Please if you have time read my thread and tell me what I can do better. http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2686806&page=10
Thank you!




I can't find your threads MrBond. Can you give me a link please?

[MrBond]

It's been awhile since I had my story told. I'll try and see if I can find it. BTW, one of the main people who helped me through my sitch was Sandy. She'll vouch for my story.

[qt4x11]

I didn't "wait" for my W. I lived life. That doesn't mean that I needed someone else.

That sounds like waiting around for your wife, just because you were doing your 'hobbies' and 'working on yourself' doesn't mean you weren't also waiting. How was the celibacy? Sounds fun.

You want to go out with other women because "life's too short", well that's your choice. I'm not sure how you'd be in the long run when a M is supposed to last a lifetime.

My wife is the one that is out. She gave up on the M. I never wanted this. There is no 'moral high ground' to waiting around for the off chance she could change her mind.

I may go out with this woman, or I may not. It may fall through, there's a good chance of this. I may decide not to, because I'm not ready.

But I think it's really silly for people to try and create some hard and fast rule for when you can move on. Everyone's different, everyone's situation is different. There is no timeline. Do you feel like dating? GO FOR IT. If the time isn't right you'll know and then you can give yourself more time before trying again. Wash, rinse, repeat.

[MrBond]

"How was the celibacy? Sounds fun. "

That was pretty condescending. Must make you feel good. If you talk that way to someone who is trying to help you, I'm beginning to get a feeling of how you treated your W.

"But I think it's really silly for people to try and create some hard and fast rule for when you can move on. "

No one said it was a rule. But it does seem like you weren't serious about changing. Makes all of that stuff you said about how you did wrong, etc. ring hollow.

[qt4x11]

No I don't get the sense you're trying to help. I get the sense you're trying condescending to me.

No one said it was a rule. But it does seem like you weren't serious about changing. Makes all of that stuff you said about how you did wrong, etc. ring hollow.

Changing what? I'm still working on my sobriety and going to therapy, this dating thing has nothing to do with that. I don't get how you're twisting the idea of me going out on a date to mean that I'm somehow not serious about this.

[MrBond]

"No I don't get the sense you're trying to help. I get the sense you're trying condescending to me."

Go back and read what I wrote first. And that celibacy remark was uncalled for.

"I don't get how you're twisting the idea of me going out on a date to mean that I'm somehow not serious about this."

I don't think you realize how contradictory that one sentence is.

[Wonka]

Q,

What's going on here? What is touching your nerve here? If it stings, then you might want to take a closer look at why it stings so much. From where I sit, you are being really reactive to Bond's comments.

Something bothering you lately? Let's talk it out here, buddy.

What's on your mind? What's eating you up on the inside?

[Ginger1]

What is one of the cardinal rules of sobriety??

No dating for a year.

You do know why, right?

Now pile that reason on top of going through a divorce and learning to readjust your life and living on your own and caring for your kids.

Introducing more complications in an already complicated emotionally draining situation is a recipe for disaster and a relapse.

Do you actually work the program, or are you flying solo on the sobriety?

New woman as an addiction? Maybe addiction is a strong word. But it sure is a band aid, just like the weed. Problem is, when you rip the bandaid of the new woman off (lets face it, it isn't going to work with where you are in life now) it's going to to add more hurt and confusion on top of hurt and confusion.

What feels good now, isn't going to feel so good later. And this woman? Have you thought about her feelings in all this. You still love your wife, you still mention stopping the divorce when you see her. it's pretty selfish to date her right now.

And yes, going on a date shows you aren't serious about this. If in your heart it was truly over, and you did not want to reconcile at all, then I believe in dating before the divorce is final. not everyone does, but YOU would have to be done, not just her.

You just want a band aid for your pain right now. But the band aid is going to hurt you so much more in the long run. And hurt another woman. And has the potential to hurt your sobriety.

[MoveFrwd]

Do you guys really think I have any hope in h3ll with my wife?

Yes. Likely not today. Or tomorrow. But at some point in the indeterminate future? yes.

She basically told me to my face that it's over. And she made it abundantly clear she does not care how much pain I'm going through right now, she wants nothing to do with me.

This only matters if you believe what she says. When you got married, did you ever think she would feel this way about you? Whats to say at some point in the future those feelings wont change?

She is the one who gave up on me, who is causing this trauma to my family. She's the one who has been so selfish and uncaring and downright vindictive in the divorce?

My wife is the one that is out. She gave up on the M. I never wanted this. There is no 'moral high ground' to waiting around for the off chance she could change her mind.

And how is what you are doing/planning to do any different?

I would say that you are "giving up on the M" as well, just on a slightly different timeline.

I deserve to be happy

Of course you do. But if you dont think you can lead a happy life without going on dates, then I think you still have some work to do on your own.

Right now, I feel like I need to let my wife go and live my life.

Wholeheartedly agree. But Im not sure that means you should be going out looking for her replacement at this point.

That sounds like waiting around for your wife, just because you were doing your 'hobbies' and 'working on yourself' doesn't mean you weren't also waiting.

I suppose, in some sense, yes, this has to be true. But it's more waiting to start a new relationship until you are finished with the old one. It isnt so much waiting for your W to change her mind....it's more about waiting for yourself to be ready to start something new. It's up to you in how long you are willing to burn that candle. But I wouldnt expect that dating someone new will bring you closer to a goal of reconciling.

How was the celibacy? Sounds fun.

So is this the root of the issue? You are just looking to get some action?