WAS or what 7

[roist]

i Zephyr,

Thank you for your reply and for taking the time to think about my situation before sharing your appreciated thoughts. I will now reply to your points in the order you expressed them.

Yes there is pain and truth. Thank you for seeing that. I read somewhere that when we feel bad, that means that our path is not aligned with our destiny. I take light from that. I am meant to have a happy fulfilling life and R. I know this and this will be. I choose to give every opportunity that that R is with W but have decided to not force that. Garth Brooks sings a great song about unanswered prayers being often the best gifts. Time will tell.

I am not sure I love her anymore. I choose to love. I choose her. Is that the same? Isshe worth it? I think so, but not like this. At the moment NO. To be fair my W is carrying our family too. The disconnection between us, has pushed me towards a holding strong position for my boys. But my W has always been there doing what needs to be done, in the best interests of us THREE. So I am not carrying the family. The best I can claim is to not have exploded it despite personal pain.

Yes all the other stuff is just that "other stuff" and is part of my life and independent of my R with W. I fully accept that and work on them as such. They will be with me regardless of what the future holds. I still think it is healthier if the are balanced with a healthy R. I don't have a good R and have limited control over that but the rest is within me to improve.

My post seemed to be me outining my problem and then the solution.I followed my own advice and in the week that followed I did four sport activities, listened to self help videos (mostly gratitude, self talk) plus some music. I also organised some stuff for work, had good times with boys, got out of the house twice to meet people alone and twice socially as a family.

Am I letting go? I have let go trying to control the outcome. Have I dropped you famous rope. I don't think so. I think W is still on the other end too. I have given her enough space and slack to go whatever direction she wants. I am ready to cut the rope if it is somewhere I don't want to go. But if I tug on that rope or if I push on that rope, W remains constant. This is just an observation.

Hopefully the dynamics are changing.My distancing, lack of interest etc are not specifically to change the dynamics to improve us, more me moving away from what we have.

I am tempted to talk to W. To say this situation does not suit me. I am even tempted to say it without a backup plan. But I agree in general with the principal of talking by actions not words. That being said, not talking feels more like avoiding and avoidance is a past trait I want to remove. I don't want to hide or run away. I want to face this head on. Even Michelle talks about raising warning to: ultimate defcon before walking. But she was more so talking in terms of WAS and not LBS.

Thanks again Z