WAS or what 7

[roist]

More of the same or turning point? Time will tell but anyone with comments opinions please feel free to share.

At the end of July/ start of August, we shared several weekends away in family and worked together s bit on our house. R was not strained but not connected either.

The more time we spent together,the less time I want to spend together. Essentially we are physically sharing the same space, sharing responsability for sons. I for one enjoy my time with sons more without her (at least like this).

Anyway the last two weeks I have an internal battle going on. I am certain this: s not how I want to live and so much so that if: cannot sleep I cannot stand being in bed with her. So I get up and watch TV or better still the stars. Man the sky is lovely on a clear night.

Sunday night I not only left the bed, but also the house in my car. It was 1 am. She heard the car which woke her. This was a risk and not deliberate but I didn't overly care.I don't think I was being passive aggressive,iI just wanted to get out of the house for me.

I went to a calm country road and parked. Watched the stars and then read some R/M stuff. I think by leaving I put myself in a position that would force me to decide my path.

I decided that my path was with my family and I would continue my work on self. I still have to determine how to be with W, but for now I am a bit too tired to care. I am not resentful or cold, but just not interested in how things are.

Just before going home that night I checked my phone and saw W had tried to contact me just after I left. Shortly after I got in she came to wonder what I was at. She found my action irrational, to which I validated. She was right.My W did not push to know what I did, why or where so I didn't say. I just said I wasn't sleepy and took some air.

If my W did the same I would not be happy. Shortly after we went back to bed she got up for an hour or so. I tried to sleep so I left her. The next morning I apologized for having woken her. I worked on a DIY project for the morning and we went to the beach for the afternoon.

Last night I had hassle with our youngest at bedtime. She stated I should pass the relay or ask for help in such circumstances, as I AM NOT ALONE . I really bit down hard not to react to that one. She is right about the relay/help part as I do tend to try to be as self sufficient as possible.

I could see my W trying, as I have many times before. Trying to what I don't know. To keep things as they are?

She asked about if I wanted to go to her sister's this weekend. I didn't for many reasons. I explained these with the exception of
Not wanting to play happy families. She asked if I minded her going. I said no but I would probably do something alone the following weekend with the boys. This was not vengeful but just how I felt.

Maybe we are building up to putting words on our woes. Maybe it is just another dip in the roller coaster. I am writing all of this to have views on my behaviour and path. I accept I cannot control this aspect of my life and I place faith in that this is leading to a better place.

Although I would prefer to spend the weekend with my boys, I am so looking forward to the weekend alone. It is exactly what I need.

I am very tired writing this so I hope it is coherent. I had a busy weekend with lots of socialising so the tiredness isn't all due to Sunday night.