The Fight for Self II

[CT1118]

Reading Coconut's thread a few minutes ago reminded me of the pain I had. Reading albac's statement above reminded me of my 'need' to show it. For the first 2 months after S, the WW and I would go out still - dates. R would come up, she would cry which led to me crying. Two adults crying in a fine restaurant telling themselves how deeply they loved each other, but acknowledging how deeply painful that love became. This was painful for us both, then we stopped. A month later, I was at WW's in May and we had wine together. After putting s4 to bed she asked me to sleep w/ her. Not sure how, but I backed out, need vs. want. Then on July 4th I found out her A was still on. By July 26th I could not stand and called her out for a 2nd time. I did it over the phone. I never posted her reply. Her it is unedited, save the names; I did put some parentheses in a couple places to indicate what she was speaking to. I could tell she did not listen to all I had said, as she asks me to let her go, which I had told her was happening when we spoke:

"I’m not sure what to say, I’m not really sure what to write I guess.
Yes. You are right, I am moving through a lot of anger. I’m moving through a lot of regret. I keep myself busied with bullshit to not really deal with any of it, as usual. I imagine that I will get tired of this at some point, but right now it fills up time to not think, to not process or let myself care.

That is what he is. And that is all he is. (WW is referring to her OM in this opening. She called OM bullsht on the phone earlier)

I don’t want your love right now [CT1118]. It goes without saying that you and our little boy are the strengths in my life and the beautiful core of what is right and true and real in this world. And I meant it when I said I didn’t really deserve it, I know that you hate that and maybe one day that will change, maybe not. (She stated on phone that knowing I stilled loved her was painful)

But that is how I feel about myself. I guess I have felt that way a long time. There is a lot of damage that has been done to me. I am not asking for sympathy on this, it is only fact.

I tried you know? I tried really hard with us. To fit in a box and dress it up and be a good wife…but I’m not. I don’t think I have it in me. Maybe one day. Maybe not.

I don’t regret you. I don’t regret [name of s4]. These are the gifts that I think if there is a God I was gifted with.
But I cannot stand still to watch you hurt. Please just let me go. Do not try to save me. Do not try to stop me as I will only continue to hurt you.

Live your life and let me indulge in your happiness when you allow me to be a part of it. I only wish to see you happy and grow in your solidity and peace.
Maybe I can get there someday.
I love you."
[End]

So, didn't speak or comment. She txt'd me that night and asked if I read it and was I ok. I sent her back a picture of th rock wall I was climbing and said sweaty was a better adjective at the moment.

I responded to the email the next afternoon:

"You’ve always been a selfish jackass [name of WW] and my ADHD has never allowed me to be good at sympathy. Let’s no hold it against each other...as you wish [M nickname of WW]."
[End]

Two days later I got the late night call w/ tears and apologies. August 1 was the last time she told me she loved me on the phone and I did not say it back. The above email from WW would be the one I spoke to when I said my IC shed a tear while reading.

So when I think about the pain I am in, I cannot pretend that my WW is not also in pain. I think you can see in her response that she is in the A to cover up other pain she feels. Many old guard have explained why people use A's to do that. Affairs hurt and destroy. And need...no I do not need her, but I do still want. WW does not want, but she sure does act like she needs. This is the paradox.

I hope by posting this it sheds light on why things are so confusing. Clearly, I could have posted this weeks ago, but it was very personal. It was really feeling my heart cut while reading C-nut's post that made me think of putting it out there for some to learn, some to get insight, some to feel inspired.