My Wife Walked Out 5

[CT1118]

I just don't see how she could possibly handle a D if she can't go one night w/o freaking out about me not texting about what he was doing. I can handle one at this point, but don't want it.....

I reckon I'm detaching. I looked at her and didn't feel anything. I looked her in the eyes, remained pretty aloof and was the first one to try to leave. The funny thing is, one thing that comes into my mind many nights is about being physical with her again if we get back together. (Not just the act, but being close, smiles, kisses, I love yous, etc) I honestly think I've done an amazing job compartmentalizing how I feel. She's attractive (minus the goofball hair!), and I'd look her up/down if it were possible w/o her seeing. But I don't FEEL anything. I think if she were to do or say something loving, I might melt. Or at least show my cards more than I'd like....

No sht man. I feel the same way, I could handle it, but I don't want it. Lets not boast on that one too much though...[knocking on the wooden coffee table in front of me].
A bit of lovin would be good. Like you though, refuse to let her see me check her out and really don't want to do that too myself, so I haven't in a while.

[MrBond]

Feeling detached is good, but what many people forget about in DB is that you should also have a list of actions of what you can do to rebuild a connection with the WAS. The detachment is just so you don't "feel" hurt when they do something.

[RSG]

Mr Bond, I actually don't remember ever reading that. I haven't seen you since I joined, but I know you followed and helped Cbtdad on his journey. Could you give me a few ideas here? How do you do this without letting the woman feel like she's getting the best of both worlds?

[Coconut]

RSG, I've always been impressed with your ability to be mr. Cool, I envy that ability and it will pay off for you in the long run.

what is your answer the next time she asked why you are: acting like this / being so cold, etc ?

Think about it, what would be the true answer to that question, if she wants to know, I think you should tell her (truthfully).

Remember, you may have read the suggestion on DB, but you are actually doing it for a reason, what is that reason? (It may be as simple as I'm just responding appropriately based on our current relationship, or may be much more complex, but I think worth figuring out the answer)

[Coconut]

Mr Bond, I actually don't remember ever reading that. I haven't seen you since I joined, but I know you followed and helped Cbtdad on his journey. Could you give me a few ideas here? How do you do this without letting the woman feel like she's getting the best of both worlds?

I haven't met Mr. bond either, but I have heard references about him...

Mr. Bond, does your suggestion apply only after the A has ended? RSG just recently confirmed the A is ongoing, and it would seem like allowing cake eating to reach out and try and make a connection while the A is ongoing..

[MrBond]

They should be part of your goals. Think of it this way. If all you do is detach and feel no emotion towards your spouse, how do you plan to "reconnect"?

In DB you don't do the things that don't work. If something gets a negative reaction from your spouse, then you don't do it. If it gets a positive, you do more of that. It doesn't matter if they are with an OP or not.

What I did was that I increased the number of positive interactions with my W until we weren't fighting any more. Then as things got better, I would slowly lightly touch her here and there in a non-threatening way to build trust. Then once the trust was rebuilt, everything else fell into place.

Think of it like when you were dating. If the girl you were with was turned off by something you said or did, you wouldn't do it any more, right? Same principle. But DBing takes longer because of the shared past you and the WAS have. You can basically "rewrite" their history of the bad stuff.

Does it work all the time? Of course not. Sometimes the hurt is too deep or the person is too stubborn or embroiled in their MLC to get out of it. But at least you've done what was in your control and gave the person the option to join you or not.

[RSG]

I think I understand what you mean Mr. Bond. That will def be something I need to do in the future, but right now I think we both still need space to sort through things. W is still involved in A, I'm pretty certain she's using it to mask her own deficiencies in our M, because as of right now everything has been about my failings and her needs. I do love her Mr. Bond, and we don't really fight anymore. Maybe I could try to touch her when we're putting S in car, like touching her shoulder?

Today is my 3rd counseling session. I'm going to write down a few things to talk about, #1 being what does it mean when someone says "you might not care/be interested/want to know, etc BUT..." #2 I'm still attracted to W, but feel indifferent when I see her because of the lack of loving interactions #3 Talk about the things I'm working on, such as friendliness, listening, validation, etc #4 I'm kind of understanding what my W meant about "faking it" re being a family. It's what I felt when she wanted to submit a pic to S class, she mentioned in the past she felt like she was faking it.

[RSG]

Great session with my therapist today. She was very proud of, and impressed with, my boundaries, my enforcement of such, my personal growth and on and on. At the end she left me with "You're doing a good job, I'd just keep on doing as you're doing." I was so proud and confident.

WW dropped off S at 7:15, late but only by a few minutes. We watch Bubble Guppies for a few minutes but he wants to go upstairs. Get him his milk and we're off to bed. "Did you have fun with Mommy at the pool?" "I had fun with Mommy and Trailer Trash at the pool." My hands are shaking I am so pissed off. I had just talked with the therapist about this, and how it was the reason I haven't been able to show WW any kind of loving action despite feeling some in the recesses of my heart.

I fight the urge, but I text WW about their trip to the pool. Beat around the bush for a little, and the closest she comes to admitting it is "I was facetiming! Not that I owe you an explanation." Lies. We were texting most of the PM about S, and that they're a little frustrated at school about him being loud and distracting the other kids. We need to get him a hearing test so the city can evaluate him. We're working on that.

I didn't say anything I WANTED to say. No ultimatums, nothing about D, no cursing. The "worst" I said was "Hearing it from my baby. SMDH" To show how far I've come though, her lies actually calmed me down. I asked if she had anything to tell me. No. The fact she's lying, asks me "are we done" and "Do we have anything to talk about" along with being defensive tells me she's afraid more than anything.

She did admit to seeing a counselor, who has told her to see the good in people (Shite counselor, as she SHOULD be telling you to quit running from your problems, quit being a baby, stop cheating, and ask forgiveness for what you've done.) So she gave me BS about how thankful she was I was working to get S a new doctor, his hearing test done and working with therapy despite my "personal animosity towards (her)." I said what do you mean personal animosity, but then just said forget it, night.

Would I be correct in saying her calling my not answering texts/phone calls "ugly" projection?


I'm picking him up from her at the church tomorrow around 5. I'll be the same as I have been. Business like. All about seeing my S and showing him love. I'll try to say hello, tell S to tell Mommy bye or love you. And tell her to have a nice day. If I can muster it.

[RSG]

After the crap of last night, W texts 5 times this AM about calling a doctor, setting up the hearing test...and how she's consulting w/a doctor re surgery. I think it's for her ear, but she didn't say.

Sigh. I'm really at a loss. This broad has 1 foot in and 1 foot out....

[albac]

RSG,

This sounds all to familiar. I know the struggle of a W that says she wants out but actions show that may not be true. Personally I have had enough and within the next few days when I see her in person I'm going to start asking her what she wants and see what happens. If she can say to my face that she is done and there is nothing to talk about I will continue with NC and no family time.

We can not allow them to be cake eaters using us in there spare time.