Learning, growing and believing....

[mleigh4]

Thanks Job. I have felt sick to my stomach all day. And for some strange reason, my calves cramped up really bad and are killing me. Possibly dehydrated? I am drinking lots of water...

Irish, you are a great example of being able to let go and not let it stop you from living life. You inspire me and I hope I have learned from it. I do know S and I will be fine, who know, maybe even better than fine

Lou, for you to be proud of me is a huge compliment. I don't feel so proud of how I am feeling. It hurts, really hurts, it's hard to stop crying and I feel weak in a way, to give up. I will give this time to process, no decisions other than letting H know exactly how I feel. I'm tired of sheltering him from the reality and want him to be able to look back and know that I reached out to him. I guess I need that too.

I took S school shopping, he has all of his class supplies. We agreed on a hair trim. He did great, it's still long but cleaned up and out of his eyes. He likes it swept to the side, but he doesn't know how to style it so it falls in his face. I told him I will help with teaching him how to style it so eventually he can keep his long bangs.

H replied today, saying yes to all of the above questions. He admits to being a huge part of it, but is scared of moving back to have it not work out again, scared of resentments, scared of putting S and us through failed hope. He says he worries everyday about how this affecting S and I, but still does not know what to do. He wishes it could be as simple as starting fresh, he would love to start new, but he has so many worries. He then joked about me saying "much love" and said I really am turning into a Rastafarian. Then he said, joking aside, he didn't understand what I meant when I said I would keep things the same for S as much as I could.

I told him, it means I will continue to do things together as needed for S as much as I can. I said, my hope has died of us working out, I am moving on. I thanked him for giving me an amazing son and I look forward to watching him grow into an amazing man. I told him, thank you for all the memories, good and bad, it's been quite a ride!

He said, I guess we need to get together some time to talk. He says he knew it can't and couldn't continue like this. To let him know what I want to do.....